here's a thread where you can post your favorite jokes or do stand up comedy to others! make the other forum goers laugh!

i'll start it off:

these three guys, a frenchman, an englishman, and an american are captured by cannibals. the tribe leader says to them "i've got good news and bad news. the bad news is we're going to kill you and use your skin for a canoe. the good news is you get to pick how you die." so the frenchman says "i would like zee poison" so the tribe leader gets a bottle of poison, and the frenchman drinks it and falls down dead. the englishman says " i would like a pistol" so the tribe leader hands him a pistol, and he shoots himself in the head. so the american says "i would like a fork." and the tribe leader says " a fork? well... ok," and he gives him a fork. so the american starts stabbing himself wildly and there's blood spurting out everywhere and the tribe leader says "wait wait what are you doing!" and the american says "so much for your stupid canoe, jerk!"

Lol Nice one. Heres mine:

Two red necks are walking in the woods, when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground and twitches a bit, then lays still. The other one, being the only redneck in the world to possess a cell phone, panics and dials 911 (emergency services) he screams to the operator "I tink Billy Bob jus' done keeled ober!" The operator replies "Calm down sir. Now, make sure he is actually dead." The red neck replies "Okie." The operator hears silence for a while, then BOOM! and "Okie now whut?"

Ok, here r some good ones.

The best blonde joke ever is here. Its a long path, but you'll get it eventually.

Now, joke 1:
An old guy was at his check up at the doctor's.
the doc told him that he was in perfect physical health, but he wanted to know about his spiritual health. the man said, "Oh, doc, me and God are tight. he knows i can't see too well, and so, every night when i go into the toilet, he turns the light on for me! and when i close the door behind me, he turns it off!"
the doc was amazed at that, so he called the man's wife. he told her what happened, and asked her to explain it for him. the wife thinks for a minute, and the says, "That old idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Joke 2:
Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman, "what have you got there?"
"Pies You Idiot!!!"

Joke 3 (I'm on a roll!):
In a little red town, there was a little red man. one day, the little red man came home from his little red office, to his little red house. he walked through the little red door, and up the little red stairs to his little red bathroom. then, he leans over his little red bath, and turns on the little red taps. as the little red bath fills, he gets out of his little red clothes, and gets in the little red bath when its full. just as he lowered himself into the little red bath, he hears a knock on his little red door. so, he gets out of his little red bath, puts on a little red towel, and goes down the little red stairs, and opens the little red door. there stands a little green woman, collecting for the little Red Cross. the little green woman asks the little red man for some little red money. the little red man says a little red OK, and goes to get some little red money. when he comes back, he hands his little red money to the little green woman, but his little red towl falls off, exposing his little red genitals. the little green woman screams, runs across the busy street, and is promptly hit by a little yellow car.
What is the Moral of this story?

Don't run across the road when the little red man is flashing!

Joke 4: Now, this is a VERY long one, but totally funny, if u like Warcraft.
Anyone ever notice how the Night Elves, when faced with important, world-changing decisions, INEVITABLY make the wrong ones? If it weren't for Night Elves and their screwups, I'd be inclined to think Azeroth in general would be a much nicer place.

Mistake 1: Destroying the Scepter of the Shifting Sands

Bronze Dragonflight: "Now that we've finally sealed away the nemesis of all Azeroth, here's a scepter should you need to break the seal and fight them again."
Fandral: "WAAAHH!"
*breaks scepter*
Bronze Dragonflight: "You dumb f*cker."

Mistake 2: Destroying the Well of Eternity

Queen Azshara: "Blahaharrrgh, I'm addicted to magic!"
Night Elves: "Well I guess that's cool."
Queen Azshara: "Blahahaharrrgh, I'm summoning demons!"
Night Elves: "Ok, that's not so cool."
*Bigass War!*
Malfurion: "I've got an idea! Let's blow up the world!"
Tyrande: "Come on, that's your solution to everything."
Malfurion: "No it's not! By the way, hold this."
Tyrande: "Hey, this looks like a-"
KABLOOIE
Tyrande: "...dammit, Malfurion."

Mistake 3: Recreating the Well of Eternity, Then Leaving It There and Falling Asleep

Illidan: "Hey guys, now that we just got done blowing THAT up, I just made a new one!"
Night Elves: "You stupid f*cker."
Malfurion: "Illidan, you're under arrest for playing the devil rock music."
Illidan: "How wude!"
*SLAMMER'D!*
Malfurion: "Anyway, let's just plant a tree over top of this sucker and call it a day."
Tyrande: "Uh, what do you want us women to do, Mal honey?"
Malfurion: "You all stay awake and keep the stove warm in case we're hungry when we wake up. Oh, and don't go running off having fun with your friends or anything, I want you in the kitchen where you belong."
Tyrande: "But-"
Malfurion: "zzzzzzzzzzzz"
Tyrande: "Dammit."

Mistake 4: Staying Asleep

Orcs: "FOR THE HORDE! And also the Burning Legion!"
Night Elves: "zzzzzzzzz"
Undead: "For the lich king! Also, again, the Burning Legion!"
Night Elves: "zzzzzzSNRKzzzzz"

Mistake 5: Picking a Fight with the Orcs

Night Elves: "WTF?! Orcs cutting down our trees? Gettem!"
Cenarius: "I'LL take the case!"
*PWNT*
Night Elves: "WTF!!"
Grom Hellscream: [Orcish] kek

Mistake 6: Releasing Illidan

Tyrande: "We need help, gotta wake the druids up. Oh hey, Illidan! I'm sure 10,000 years of confinement has only rehabilitated him."
Illidan: "GROWLowlorarrrr"
Tyrande: "...although I could be wrong."
Illidan: "OOGHRARGHghhh!" *runs off*

Mistake 7: Blowing up the World, AGAIN

Medivh: "Quit fighting you nubs! Archimonde is coming!"
Night Elves: "Oh crap you're right. Too late now!"
Archimonde: "Bwahahahaha!"
Malfurion: "Hey, I've got an idea!"
Everyone: *groans*
KABLOOIE

Mistake 8: Stopping Illidan from killing the Lich King

Malfurion: "OMG! Illidan's doing something crazy to Northrend! Gotta stop him!"
Maiev: "I'm kookoo for catching Illidan!" *trips Tyrande*
Tyrande: "Aiiee!" *falls into river*
Malfurion and Illidan: "I'LL take the case!"
*rescue*
Illidan: "So you see, I was trying to DESTROY THE MOST POWERFUL EVIL BEING IN AZEROTH."
Malfurion: "Oh, uh..... my bad."

Mistake 9: Building a new World Tree

Fandral: "Man, I miss immortality. Let's make a new world tree!"
Malfurion: "I don't think that's a good-"
Fandral: "STFU nub."
*WORLD TREE'D!*
Fandral: "See? This place is great."
Malfurion: "I dunno, it smells kinda bad... and I think I just stepped in some ooze."
Fandral: "Yeah? Well if you don't like it, why don't you go get lost in the Emerald Dream for a few years?!"
Malfurion: "You know what?! I think I will!" *gets lost in the Emerald Dream*
Night Elves: *facepalm*
Rest of Alliance: "Remind me why we put up with these guys?"
Bronze Dragonflight: "Because you're all a bunch of dumb f*ckers."

Enjoy!

My favorite-

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"Is that all?" Holmes asked.

"Yes," Watson replied, "Why, am I missing something?"

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke:

"Watson, you d*ckhead. Someone has stolen the f*cking tent."

George Washington, Ghandi, Stephen Hawking, a hippie, and a Buddhist monk are in a plane that is going to crash. There are four backpacks for the five of them, so they must decide who gets to jump out and live, and who dies.

George Washington grabs a pack and says: "I need to go defeat the british and form the greatest country in the world!"
Ghandi grabs one and says: "I also must free my people from British rule."
Stephen Hawking grabs one saying: "I'm the smartest living man on earth, so screw you two."

The monk insists that the hippie go as well, stating that he has lead a good life and is certain that he shall reach nirvana.

The hippie hugs the monk, then reaches for his backpack, "Holy sh*t dude, we can both go! Stephen Hawking took my backpack!"

Two older men are fishing in a boat on a lake thats beside the highway and a funeral precession drives by. As this happens one of the men stands up and takes his hat off, the man that is still sitting says "Well that was really good of you Sam" to which his friend replies "Well I was married to her for 40 years."

lol good one. here's another two:

this guy is talking to his doctor. the doctor says " sir, i've got bad news. you've got cancer, and you've got alzheimers." and the patient says "whew, i was afraid i had cancer"

a kid is staying at his grandpas for a day. at lunch, he see's bits of egg from breakfast on his plate. he asks his grandpa "is this plate completely clean" and his grandpa replies "it's as clean as cold water can get it." at dinner, he sees more bits of food on it. he asks his grandpa "grandpa, is this plate completely clean?" and his grandpa says "its as clean as cold water can get it!" when the kid is leaving, his grandpa's dog starts growling and wont let him leave. his grandpa walks to it and says "cold water! down!"

The day before this guys is getting married, he brings up one of his biggest worries to his best mate.
"I love her and all," he says, "But I'm worried that she's not a virgin."
"well," replied his mate, "use the paint and shovel method."
"Whats that?"
"You get some red and green paint, paint one ball green and the other red, and when you get to the hotel tomorrow night, if she says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen,' you hit her with the shovel."

I have another!

Three guys are walking through the forest when the get jumped by some cannibals.
The cannibals take them back to their village and the cheif comes and stands in front of the guys.
"We have a test for you," He told them. "If you succeed, you will be allowed to go free. Go into the forest and get three pieces of fruit."
So the guys walk off.
The first guy comes back in about three minutes with three apples.
the cheif says to him, "Ok, the challange is, fit those three pieces of fruit up your ass without making a noise. If you can do that, you go free."
the guy tries his hardest, but he can even fit one apple up his butt without screaming in pain, so he gets eaten.
The second guy comes back with three blackberries.
the cheif re-iterates the challenge. and the guy complies. he fits two berries up his butt without even flinching, but then burst out laughing, and is promptly eaten.
The two guys meat in heaven and the first says, "What happened!? you were a sure fire to get off!"
"I could've done it," admitted the second guy, "Its just, I saw the third guy coming out of the forest with pineapples!"

Third one!

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend backing her bags.
"I'm leaving!" she yelled at him. "I just found out you're a pedafile(?)!"
"Oooh, big words coming from a ten year old," he responded.

Q: What do Hillbillies do at Holloween?
A: Same thing they do all year long, Pumpkin.

A man and an ostrich walk into a bar one night, and the man orders a shot for him and the ostrich. When the Bartender charges him he pays in exact change. This continues for a week, the man coming in with the ostrich, ordering the shots, and he pays in exact change each time.
Finally, the Barkeep becomes curious and asks him how he manages to always have exact change.
The man replies "well I found this really old lamp, and when I dusted it a genie popped out and said he would grant me two wishes. So my first wish was that whenever I reached into my pocket, I would find exact change."
"That's brilliant!" Replied the Barkeep, "most people would have just wished for a million dollars, but you really thought ahead."
"I guess so," Said the man.
"But now I really must know, the Barkeep said. "Whats with the ostrich?"
The man groaned, "well, I wished for a chick with long legs."

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

But seriously.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a midget (Little person) playing piano. He shrugs and sits down at the bar. There's a [magic] lamp on the bar, so the guy picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and says he has one wish.
"Awesome!" says the guy. "I wish for a million bucks!"
"Ok," says the genie, and BALM! the guy is surrounded by a million ducks.
the genie is gone, so the guy says to the barman, "What the hell's up with that genie?"
"Oh, he has a hearing problem," the barman replies. "Do you really think i asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin..........................................................................and tonic please."
The barman asked, "whats with the big pause?"
"I dunno, my dad had 'em too!"

Twelve blondes and one brunette are hanging by a fraying rope over a bottomless gorge. One of them has to let go, and the brunette knows that the blondes are all such good friends that the death of one would devastate the others. The brunette offers to let go.
The Blondes are all so moved by her sacrifice, they begin to clap.

So a baby seal walks into a club...

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

there are three types of people in nthis world. people who can count, and people who can't

Two guys were going hunting in the woods. Suddenly, one guy randomly falls out cold. The other hunter quickley dials 9-1-1 on his cell phone, and a police officer picks up the phone.
"This is the police, what is your problem?"
"I don't know! My friend just passed out! I think he's dead!"
"Okay, first, you need to stay calm. Make sure he's really dead."
*silence*

BANG!!

and another...

There were three girls. A blonde, a red-head, and a brunett. they dress in black, but leave their hair dangle. they go to a store and attempt to steal cash, but get caught. So, they run and hide. The brunett runs and jumps into a barrel with brown kittens in it, and when the police hover over the lid, she says "meow, meow!"
The red-head jumps into a barrel with red puppies in it, and when the police hover over the lid she says "ruff, ruff!"
The blonde jumps into a barrel with bannanas in it and when the police hover over the lid she says "bannana, bannana!"

one more...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
Your mom, freak.

aaaaannnnd maybe another...

Why did the mechanical chicken cross the road?
Because he won an auction.

ok, one more...(well, not really a joke, but still funny...)

old macdonald had a deformed farm. ee ii ee ii oh..
and on his farm was a perverted frog. ee ii ee ii oh..
with a rubbit rubbit here and a rubbit ribbit there, rubbit here rubbit there, rubbit rubbit everywhere
old macdonald had a deformed farm. ee ii ee ii *cough*

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his soul to Santa?

Humpty Dumpty doing stand up-

So let me tell ya, ladies and gentlemen, I'm I really funny guy, I tell great jokes. Like the other day, I was sitting on this wall, told myself a joke so funny I laughed myself right off. I hit the ground laughing, y'know, I crack myself up. But seriously folks....

Well this is a bit from some comics act that I heard today

I went to England to do a tour with some of my English friends and they took me to see a soccer game, it was England vs German, now let me tell you folks, these people have hated each other longer than America has existed. But at this game the announcers had the people in the stand doing something similar to the wave except that instead of having people stand up and then sit down, they would go section by section saying "If you won the war stand up"

I want to say that in public one day.

More WOW humor

A paladin walks into a bar and sees Richard sitting there drinking a beer.
The pali walks over and says, "hey, you're a mage, huh?"
Richard looks at him and says, "No, i'm a warlock."
The Pali replies "Oh, sorry, all you cloth wearers look alike."
Richard turns around and picks up his bottle and smashes the pali across the face with it.
the pali falls on the ground, writhing in agony and shouts "WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT FOR!?!?"
Richard replies, "Oh, i'm sorry, i thought you could tank."

So did you hear about the viagra truck that was stolen?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

One day, a house is broken into. Everything was gone except the towels and soap on the top shelf of a cupboard.
The police are looking for some low-down dirty thieves.

A redneck, a Nascar driver, and chef were stuck out in the wilderness. Soon they were given three wishes by the Generic Joke Genie. The Nascar driver said, "Damn, I wish I had a monster truck so we could get out of here." Granted. The chef said, "I wish I had a portable kitchen so we wouldn't starve to death." Granted. The redneck then says, "I wish I hade me the passenger side door to a '89 Doge Caravan." Granted. Soon the other two men looked at the redneck in shock. "What the hell would we use a door for?" they shouted. "Gosh guys, I want to be able to roll the window down on the car in case it gets to hot. Duh."

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American woman were in a train traveling across Europe.
The train went into a tunnel, and there was a kissing sound and a loud slap.
When the train left the tunnel, the Frenchman and American woman were sitting normally, and the Englishman was lying on the floor clutching his cheek.
The American thought, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me, but his missed and kissed the Frenchman, and he slapped him.'
The Englishman thought, 'the frenchman must have kissed the American and she tried to slap him, but missed and slapped me.'
The Frenchman thought, 'This is great! the next time we go through a tunnel, i'll make a kissing noise and slap that english bastard again!'

A man buys a toilet brush from his good friend at the general store.
The next week the man walks into the store and his friend asks him how he likes the toilet brush.
The man says it's ok but he's gonna stick with toilet paper.

Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vender?

A: One with everything.

What do you can a blond that dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying.

Man walks up the bartender and tells him that for $100 he could make the bartenders horse laugh (for some reason there is a horse in the bar) so the guy takes the horse out back and 3 minutes later the guy and the horse come back in and the horse is laughing. The bartender being a man of his word gives the guy this $100. A week later when the guy comes back the horse is still laughing and the bartender looks rather annoyed. The bartender says he would pay another $100 to have the horse stop laughing, so once again the guy and horse go out back and 3 minutes later they come back in but the horse is crying. Amazed again the bartender asks the guy how he did it. The guy said that last week he told the horse he had a bigger cock than it did and just then her proved it.

Why did sheep cross the road?

To kill the piece of crap mage that polymorphed him.

ha...

A scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba enjoying an ale when a man with a bushy black beard comes in and orcers a shot. The man drinks the shot and turns to leave when the bartender asks him to pay for it. The man says "I'm in the military," and the bartender waves him away.
A second man with a bushy black beard walks in, orders a shot drinks it and begins to leave when the bartender asks him to pay. The man also says that he is in the military, and the bartender waves him away.
The scotsman catches on to this, and finishes his drink, as he starts out the door the bartender asks him to pay.
"I don't have to pay," the scotsman said. "I'm in the military."
The bartender laughed, "If you're in the military, wheres your beard?"
Thinking quickly the Scot lifts his kilt, saying, "Secret Service."

A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that he's terrified that there's something under his bed that's going to eat him. He's so scared he doesn't sleep. The psychiatrist talks to him for a while, charges him $300, and tells him that if he comes back for ten more equally priced sessions he can cure the man of his phobia. Two months later the shrink sees the man in the grocery store, and asks him why he never came back. The man tells him, "Well, I was at the bar,wondering how I could possibly afford your treatment. The bartender asked me what was wrong, and when I told him he said he could cure my fear for just five dollars." "Wow," said the shrink, "What did he do?"
"He went to my apartment and sawed the legs off my bed."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'I bet you $200 i can pull out my eye and roll it along the table and put it back in.'
The barman takes the bet, so the guy pulls out his eye (Its real) and rolls it along the table and puts it back in. The barman, shocked, hands over the $200.
The guy makes the same bet again, just with the other eye. The barman complies, with the same result.
Then the guy says, 'tell you what. I bet you the $400 i just won off you that i can pee into the ashtray right over on the other side of the bar.'
'Ok,' says the barman, wanting to win his money back.
So the guy unzips his fly, pulls out his dick and starts peeing all over the entire bar, everywhere except the ashtray. The barman starts laughing and laughing and laughing, he's just won his money back.
then the guys starts laughing and laughing too.
Th barman goes, 'Why are you laughing? You just lost $400!'
"Yeah," Says the guy, "But i bet the guy over there $800 that i could pee all over your bar and you'd laugh!"

not so much jokes as just things that happen. these all I happened the week I had an ear infection.

"Look at the size of that movie screen!"
"What? I dont see any time machine."

"You should do shave for a cure. Make all the charity's rich."
"What the hell did you just call me?"

"*cant remember what they said here*"
"Did you just call me tatoo face?"

and these are from my eye condition.

"Oh no! Joey's coming over here. He still a few thousand kilometres away, I have to make my escape."
"Dude, Im right in front of you."
"AHHHHHH!!!"

I'm sorry about your ear infection last time I had one I refused the drugs so I was a little irate, but I don't really get what you are saying here

Once in a small abby, the monks needed to raise some money to build a new crusefix, as theirs was old and dilapidated. To do so they decided to set up a florist shop in the town square. Immediately after the monks set up shop, the local florist's business dried up because everyone was buying from the monks. So on the second day he went to the monks and said "Please, I had only 4 customers yesterday, you must stop selling flowers!" but the monks refused. The third day the florist came to the monks on his knees and begged "I had only 1 customer today, if you do not stop selling flowers I will lose my business!" But the monks refused. On the fourth day the florist hired the local tough, named Hugh, to go and "persuade" the monks to stop selling flowers. After a 30 minute "talk" with Hugh the monks left, and business immediately improved for the florist.

This proves once and for all that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

This one's a Polish joke I picked up somewhere..

One day a Man walks into a store, and walks up to the clerk. "Do you sell Polish Sausages?" The Man asked, and the clerk looked at him somewhat suspiciously for a bit and asked, "Are you Polish?" And the Man replies, "Well, yes, I am.. But lemme ask you something! If I asked for lasagna, would you think I'm Italian? Or if I asked for fajitas, would you think I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya? Hm?" And the clerk responds, "Well, no.." So the Man asks, "Then why did you ask if I was Polish?" And the clerk responds, "Because this is Home Depot."

(I also remember some other Polish joke about the Polak's inventing a solar powered flashlight or some nonsense like that. I want one.) I know alot of Polish jokes, it seems.

Ooh. I just had this happen to me while talking to this girl that wants me on Msn. ( ;D ) Starting with her talking; then me.

Lauren: "I want you."
Me: "That's the word on the street."
Lauren: "I'm not kidding DAMN YOU! Why do you have to be so hot?"
Me: "I never knew I was hot. I always thought I was ugly and a nerd. Like you!"

(Ouch. I lost a friend there with that comment..)

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....

(ba-dump-tss)

Roffle roffle

could it be that all those trick or treaters wearing sheets could be going not as ghosts but as matresses?

A child molester, a rapist and Michel Jackson walk into a bar.

And that was just the first guy!

LOL

LOL

Lousy Old Language.

a woman decides to go become a nun. as a nun, she can only say 2 words a year. after onje year, the head says "two words?" the nun says "bed hard" next year the head nun says "two words?" the other says " food bad". on the third year, the head nun asks her "two words?" the nun says "i quit" and the head nun says "good youve done nithing but complain since youo got here!" then was expelled for talking to much

what happened to the orphan who decided to play in a graveyard?

he got incinerated by Richard

4 out of every 3 people have problems with fractions.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

hey i already di the counting joke. i think its on page 2

What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

So a man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "hand me a fast one!" the bartender looks at him strange, and pitches a shot glass at his face.

My mistake.

What does a blond do if she is not in bed by 10:00?

Go home.

lol, you spelled Blonde wrong.