This isn't a plea for sympathy or help or advice. I'm simply curious as to how you all think about something like this and how you'd approach the situation.

My dearest mother only recently (today, in point of fact) took up her meth habit again after being clean for nine months. This isn't unusual, as she's gone as much as eight months clean before resuming before. It's never been worse than once a week and not since I was six has it been better than nine months (we just set a new record). Hers is not a physical dependance. Rather, it's psychological.

Fundementally, she's a weak person. She's also completely close-minded, and her refusal to accept the possibility that she might be wrong about things she believes means that she forces herself to remain addicted to the drugs (as well as Coca Cola, cigarettes and some other things that are really bad for her diabetes and her mild schizophrenia) even though she doesn't want to be. After all, she believes she is addicted and so she remains. If she accepted the possibility that she might be wrong about that belief, then there'd be some hope (amongst others, since for three quarters of my life she's been systematically destroying my hope for something better with her drug habit) she could get off the drugs.

Her regular modus operandi is to have an impulse (not just for drugs, but anything) and, since she believes she can't stop herself once she has the impulse, she searches for a pretext. This can be mention of drugs, seeing someone she knows uses drugs, mention of needles, the name of her dealer, a stressful situation. There's no real rhyme or reason for these "triggers" (as she believes them to be), and the only thing that is consistent is the way she attempts to validate her actions with the pretext.

Currently, at the time of my writing this, she is probably high. She'll get a line of credit again, since $65 won't last her very long at all. She will promise them several of her possessions (none of which she bought - that honour belongs to my grandmother, an enabler) and will probably start preaching her offensively stupid and bigoted Christianity (to be fair, she's dumb rather than mean. She's oblivious to the nature of her faith) to the other addicts there and they'll probably all nod and agree to stop using and praise Jesus. It's very touching, really.

Tomorrow (at the earliest) or the day after (which is more likely), she'll come home - still high and not having slept since she first shot up. Her high will wear off (after she makes a mess in the interest of "organising" everything) and then she'll pass out. She'll be out for most of two days, after which she will emerge.

Guilt-ridden and apologetic, she will ask for forgiveness and promise, tears gleaming in her eyes, that she'll never use drugs again, that this was the last time, that she can't stand to lose the people she loves. She will binge eat and sleep for most of a week as her body recovers from the abuse she inflicted on it, then she'll be back to where she was before using (more or less).

The question I put to you, good forum goers, is how do you deal with her (or someone like her)?

Do you walk on egg shells to avoid "triggering" another "episode"?

Do you confront her openly and honestly with your feelings?

Do you pretend as though nothing happened?

Do you get angry and refuse to forgive her transgressions?

Do you do something else all together?


As for myself, I'll do what I always do. Pretend to be stern but compassionate, utter inane phrases like, "It's not okay but I still love you, I forgive you", then continue to blandly lie to her face saying I think she was a good person and a competent mother.

Last time I had a problem with someone who was a drug user, I pushed them to suicide.

Don't know if this helps you, but I just wanted to point out I may not be the best person to ask.

Before you even read my reply- consider that my profession is law enforcement, and that besides that, I am a bitch.

Now, My advise is to confront her, be honest, and then submit her to a rehab clinic. What you described is a cycle- without proper help and care, it will continue, despite whatever she says that this time was the "last time". You need to explain to her that you do love her and that because you love her so much, that you want her to have the help she needs. Then submit her to the rehab clinic of your choice. I suggest contacting your local law enforcement agency and asking them for information on local rehab centers.

*shrugs* That's all I really I to say concerning the subject.

I agree. Confront her openly and honestly. Tell her that she's using everything around her as a crutch a scapegoat, whatever, but that in all honestly she has no one to blame but herself. And until she accepts that fact, of itself and by itself, she's a lost cause.

I'd bluntly tell that to her face. I've done it before with a close friend, and I'd do it again.

Tell her she's gone 9 months without it, but she let her own stupidity lead her to do it again.

If it were me, show her what happens to meth addicts. Tell her you don't wnat the expense of burying her in the next year.

Depends how much I liked them.

If they're the kind of person I only hang out with because they have quilted toilet paper at home, I'd probably just nod and say vaguely supportive things until they disappear into the city for a few days, then take the opportunity to steal their stuff.

For people I love, I generally force my opinion of how they should live their life upon them, this can involve physical restraints and buckets of icy water.

Interventions are for pussies.

If you're not willing to drown a friend, you just don't love them.

Wow, your mom sounds almost like my dad with the exception of drug of choice, he likes the coke and speed.



Hell no, it wont do you any good. Her life may be fucked but that doesnt mean that you should have to change who you are and what you on their behalf. I mean, its not like they walk on egg shells to avoid hurting you right.



Tried it and it normally doesnt go to well. More often than not it actually triggers another episode and no matter how hard you try and change them, it never seems to work. Still, if you are as spiteful as you say you are and are anything like me, you will throw them thorns on occasion.



In the end, their really is no other choice but avoidal. They are set in their ways, and by dwelling on it you arent likely to fix shit. So just live your own life to the fullest.



Inside, maybe but i try and not explode at them. Dont know why but i just love them to much to do anything to make their lives any more miserable or pathetic. Damn being a good hearted person because it normally means you end up hurting yourself.



Basically. I find if i avoid it all together, it tends not to hurt so bad. Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with those who you care about and things you enjoy doing. Just never go down the same path as them, because that is just cowardice.

As you can probably tell, i find the whole argument of i cant stop to be a load of shit just like you. "Its in my genes to easily get hooked.." Bull fuckin shit. I share your same damn blood and look how strong i am .

Any who, thats my 2 cents.

You win the bitter and judgmental prize!

Nah, not really, you're just having a moment, you suck at being a bastard.

Back on topic -

So do people heart the tried and true Oprah/Dr Phil, let's all be a family and help out loved ones angle? (I don't watch Oprah or Dr Phil, but I assume they appeal to the Non-working "Christian" USAian wife, a feat that requires a certain type of hugging and tears)


The few and rare cases I have succeeded in improving a person have mostly involved pissing on them and letting them sit in their own (and my) filth* until they loathe both me and themselves so much their tiny spark of pride grows into a raging tyrant and forces them to change themselves just so they can get back at the people who pissed them off in the first place.


*I leave it to you to decide if that is a metaphor.

There are several reasons why the above course of action is certainly not the best. The most prominent reason being that the original poster of this topic is obviously being negatively affected.... By not doing anything, and by avoiding the subject, this negative effect will continue. Nobody deserves an incompetent parent.
The second reason being your solution of keeping your emotions toward the user inside. It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, eventually that wall will crumble and break down, and the result of that will be far more damaging to you and the user than had you originally confronted them about the issue.
The third reason being your theory that because you love them you don't want to make their life any more pathetic... By taking no action, you are ensuring that their life continues to be pathetic. Call me crazy, but that doesn't seem much like love to me. Consider Albert Einstein- “The world is a dangerous place. Not because of the people who are evil; but because of the people who don't do anything about it.” (I am by no means stating that either of your parents are evil, but the quote still applies)

All of your above point are infact valid, but unfortunatly we live in a shit hole world and nothing goes happly ever after. As Verb stated originally, he wants to purly know how we would react and isnt necisarly looking for advice. He is going to handle things in his own way and he has had to deal with shit enough to know exactly the power he has to improve situations. I speak from a purely personal standpoint as i have been through some shit myself and this is exactly what i currently do.



Tried to do something, didnt help and subject actually just got worst, acusing me of not understanding him and actually abandoning us all for a while. Tried to do something in diffrent ways, stilll nothing. Tried for 12years, but sometimes you just gotta know when you are fighting an unwinable battle. Get over it, move on and apriciate the few good times you have, either that or they are all bound to be shity.



Trust me, i know. I have had my breakdowns, but i know how to do them in a constructive manner. For one, i make sure that i do it in a way that doesnt effect those that care about me. You can learn to channel your hate and anger into energy you can expend on projects, and being a student of architect, i never have a shortage of stressfull shit to get done so that takes care of that.



Very, very valid point and to anyone who has a problem like this, i would endorse it. However, in my case, it does no real good. Tried everything i can to get him to stop and clean up his life, and it has all failed. He is no fucked up beyond fixing with heart complications, so i figure i should alow him to live out the rest of his short life in a semi happy state, no matter how fake it is.


But still to anyone else. Doing nothing is guarenteed to not fix the problem, so what is the worst that could happen.
Oh and Jaezelle, bitch you the mutha fuckin woman.

Once again, not asking for advice. I know exactly what I'll do because it puts me under the least pressure.

I'm just seeing how people deal with this type of thing (in theory if not execution).


A good idea, except all of her childhood friends all died from using that very drug. It doesn't really stop her. She's like the terminator, only not Austrian. Also, addicted to drugs instead of being a robot designed to kill people.


He better not have won that prize. I deserve that heaps more. I could have won it when I was 13, but I was too busy being bitter.


Speed is another name for meth, my friend.


Well, when you have one parent doing this shit from 6 onwards and the other becoming an ever increasingly bad alcoholic from 9 onwards, you tend to find that most of the "changing who you are" is done a long time before you're old enough to turn around and stop it.

Thankfully, I never internalised it. Thanks, super brain, for teaching me abstract thinking at 6-7 rather than the usual 11-12! Because life would have been a bit crap if I'd spent six years blaming myself for their fuckups.


Nobody deserves one, but sometimes you're extra lucky and get two! That's somewhat unfair. If they're both clean and sober, they're pretty okay at it.

I would imagine that the majority (if not all) the damage has already been done. Aside from one cousin [who I'm only this close to because the third member of our triumverate got himself murderised], I am actually incapable of initiating friendly physical contact [when sober]. The only reason I can do it at all is years of faking that it doesn't make me really uncomfortable.

I'm also incapable of emotional closeness with anyone [even myself] because I've spent years and years learning how to apply my intellect to cope with my emotions rather than feel them, but that's a whole other story.


That's only if you supress your emotions. I don't do that. I just take something of a zen approach to it. I acknowledge that I feel bad [or good or whatever] and know that it's fine for me to feel that. I also know that it will eventually pass. A lifetime experience tells me that sharing those emotions will, at best, leave me feeling seedy [and suspicious - I don't like people pitying me] and, at worst, make the situation even more distressing.

I'm one of those rare people who feels no guilt about lying to people at great length about things that matter. I used to feel guilty all the time, but being guilty meant my lies got found out.


I love her, but I don't owe her anything. Since I've been emotionally prepared for her death for seven years (at least), I feel that her actions make null and void any familial obligations I used to have. If she can (after four months clean) look into the crying faces of her [at the time] 10 and 5 year old daughters, who are begging her not to use drugs again, and then use the stress of that meeting as an excuse to use, she can go get fucked.

I don't think love obligates us to do anything. We want to help the people we love - after all, we love them - but love alone is never enough. She loves me. So does my dear papa. I love them back. It's just not enough to wade into their shit again and again for more than fifteen years.

Verbose, that wasn't funny, if Witty was a country, that post would in another Galaxy.


What the hell is wrong with you? I come here for low brow snappy comebacks.

Yes i know, hes more into the whole coke thing and i was trying to stress the diffrence in how he was taking it, ie orally rather than shooting up which is what i got from your coment. Any who, im off for a week so i look foward to seeing where this conversation has gone when i get back and whether some one fucks it up and gets it locked.

Peace.

And by depriving you of what you want, we may be able to make you go away?