Something I found while I was going through some of my old text files. No idea where I got from, but figured it may elicit a laugh or two here.

*Before firing it's main cannon, Abbadon's planet killer would undergo an unecessarily complex transformation sequence.

*Abbadon would have a super-hot daughter who would betray him after falling in love with a Hot-Shot Imperial pilot.

*Sisters of Battle armies would have a "Japanese School Girl" theme. Special rules would include pulling out a giant mallet out of nowhere to use in HTH combat, and "Bikini Style" power armor.

*The Eye of Terror campaign would have ended with an otherwise average cadian youth, chosen by destiny, using a magical amulet, or perhaps a sword, to release a blast of holy energy that would have destroyed all chaos forces and closed the eye forever.

*Slaneesh armies would be rated "Double H," and would require I.D. to buy. Furthermore, Slaneesh armies could only be played in special back rooms, with a curtain seperating them from the rest of the store, and a therapist standing ready to help people recover after playing against a Slaneeshi army.

*Instead of yelling "Blood for the Blood God," Khorne berzerkers would yell, BANZAI!"

*ALL Chaos Lords, not just the Slaneeshi ones, would be androgenous and effeminate.

*Followers of Nurgle would be portrayed as fat lazy American rednecks.

*Orks would still be green, but would have human features and be about three times as big as a marine. However, it would be possible to defeat them by paying a love song.

*Comissar Yarrick would have been about 26 during the Armageddon Campaign. In an ironic twist of fate, he would have accidentally become bethrothed to BOTH of Ghazkull Thrakka's daughters.

Four Words: Howling Banshee Fan Service!!

*Thunderhawk Gunships would transform, and combine into an ever more powerful gunship!

*All 40K characters would have the ability to change into a more powerful version of themselves. (Super-Comissar Level 2!!!)

*Negative modifiers would be imposed on any unit that had 2 or more models with the same hair color or eye color.

*Cherry Blossoms would be mandatory basing material.

*ALL swords would ignore armor saves...even wooden ones.

*All armies would be required to take at least one ditsy female squad leader.

*There would be one Imperial Cruiser where all of the misfits would be placed, lead by a wacky irresponsible captain. Through a stroke of unbelieveable good luck, they would have accidentally stumbled onto the Planet Killer and crashed into it just as it was about to fire on Macharia, causing it to miss and hit the Chaos Fleet instead.

*No matter how repulsive the alien males would be portrayed (Hrud, Kroot, Slug-Men), alien females would always look like super-hot human females with a slightly different skin color.

*The rules would be concise, clear, and cover every possibility. Unfortunately, it would be mandatory to humiliate the player who loses the game by making them eat a whole box of laxatives, or cutting off their pinky finger. This rule would be strictly enforced at GT's.

*All energy weapons would have the option of "Building Up" their energy over several turns and then releasing it in one devastating blast.

*No matter how evil and powerful you opponant's general is, it would be always be possible to bring him over to your side through a simple act of kindness...or a song.

*Like most things the Japanese make, the rules system would be smaller, more efficient, and cheaper to buy.

*Grand Tournaments and Games Days would have a LOT more people dressing up as their favorite 40K characters.

*There would be a "Bishojo" version of 40K that would be very popular with girls.

*The basic rulebook would include instructions for "Believing in the heart of the dice" as a central componant of 40K gaming.

Two Words: Missile Swarms!!

*"Severe Nosebleeds" would be a common way to loose models when fighting against Eldar Wytch armeis.

*Every codex would contain a CD with that armies J-Pop theme music. Of course, the lyrics would have nothing to do wit 40K at all, and would include phrases in english such as "White Song Love."

The models would be fully animated. Unfortunately they would be animated by Bandai, meaning they would still remain in one pose indefinately.

Certain characters will be able to call up giant robots from beneath the ground in front of them, regardless of where they are at the time and where the robot was previously.

Male chapter masters must be accompanied by an all-female command squad, who will vie for his affection during the course of the battle.

The same army will be tweaked slightly and repackaged as several entirely different armies (oh wait, that already happens!)

Random characters will portrayed by humanoid animals, though they will strangely retain all human abilities and mannerisms, and none of the other characters will ever notice.

*summoning deamons would take several turns and your opponent would only be able to glare at your forces and do nothing until the finished

*a common cadian soldier would unlock his true power and would challenge abbadon in hand to hand combat only to be defeated and avenged by a real hero

* when a man was hit by a shot it would always be followed by a large flash a SWING sound and him slowly flying backwards through the air

*Guard would always be willing to throw away their lives no matter what happens and would happily sacrifice themselves to let the "hero" get farther on his quest

Everytime someone charges, it must be accompanied by an over-zealous yell, and a change in back ground color.

Just when you thought that you had massavred your friends army, a lone HQ choice would stride out of the fog (regardless of the weather, there will be fog) and proceed to destroy your army.

At random points in the game, it will rain cherry blossoms.

Tau would no longer feel out of place.

Terminators Powerfists now have the "Rocket Punch" ability.

Dreadnoughts Can (will) fall in love

Flamers are no longer used to attack, but make a really cool burning back-ground for your sword wielding hero as he advanced slowly towards the enemy.

Ammo is now limited, but when the hero is on thier last clip, they will hit everything they shoot at, and will have over 100 bullets even though the clip can only normally carry 16.

Rockets will always miss, but when they hit the ground the explosion is enough to knock enemies to the grounhd in pain.

- everytime anyone shot or attacked in close combat they would spin thier weapon around a few times, scream really loud, become abnormally muscular, have backgrond change color, charge up for a second, then attack

- giant robots would be able to unleash special powers if the driver was pure of heart

- everytime a female shot or attacked in close combat they would shake thier head so thier head so thier bouncy and huge hair would swing back and fourth, thier eyes would glow and there would glitter everywhere, then they would spin around once or twice, then attack.

- psychic powers could only be used by those who had discovered true love

- everytime someone got dissapointed mad or anything other emotion they would become oddly less detailed and thier eyes would become gigantic

before every battle each player has to recite a long speech which the other player would respond to. both would be so long that it would take two episodes to get to the actual battle(ohh i mean days)

Dreadnaughts would be more humanoid and be scaled as if they were 40-50 feet tall. Titans... well, lets just not go there.

Everybody would wield either a staff, sword or axe, it would not have to be modeled on the person unless wanted because it can be easily concealed and pulled out of their armour or clothing, regardless of size.

There are no armour saves.

Certain characters can teleport about the board representing that they move just that fast.

Characters can jump up onto or down from anything at all, regardless of hight.

Everybody can attempt to dodge anything else.

Certain attacks may be declared at the start of any turn. This pauses the game untill the next day, for some reason the enemy watches as they charge up their ultimate weapon, which is released the next day and atomizes the oposing army.

Space Marines would look like Samurai.

Either the good guy of a plain birth, or the evil villan will have a large scar, most likely on their face that was delt to them by the other at one point, and drives them to hunt them down.

When characters die, more blood would fly from their body then it ever had in it.

Nobody ever dies, no matter what happens to them, they just get sent to another dimension. in all likely hood they can be wished back with a gem, or a collection of items.

every attack has a name and must be announced out loud while being preformed.

If 40K was anime based....there would be no need for space marines or imperial guard or those big brutish warriors....all you need is a group of high school girls with multi-colored hair and short skirts....and they would lay waste to the entire galaxy and protect the imperium on lunch break...


the slanessh lash whip is acually several fallic tenticles

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Well I think that Abbadon would turn out not to be the real enemy and would switch sides at the third to the last episode when he had the hero STUFFED in a regeneration tube having beaten him within and inch of his life. He would realize that he's just being used or soemthing.

It would be revealed that the Emperor created Chaos somehow and was to blame for setting it free in his stupid younger days. He probably did it to fight some kind of enemy or something and it got out of hand.

The young hero would have a particularly powerful demon-lord who turned friendly as a partner. This demon switches places with him when the battle gets too rough. This demon is killed in the confrontation with Abaddon leaving the hero to unlock his own powers and use them against evil as the final defenseline around Terra crumbles.

While gravely wounded the hero is tended by a crazy old scientist who appears in odd healing tank visions that train the hero for the confrontation that is to come. The old man has a beatutiful daughter also who the hero never notices even though she's head over heels in love with him.

Titans would have rocket fists, jets, and magna proton beaaaammmmm!!!! They would also have big axes or swords and little square beards.

The Inquisition would turn out to be the real bad guys trying to cover up the Emeror's guilt. They will turn out to control the Chaos forces(pretending to be Chaos Gods) and are hoping to create a horrific holocaust that will turn their secret innermost cabal into beings with powers like the Emperor. Naturally they will use these poweres to build a perfect universe on the sterile ruins of the old one. They have built up the Empire and Chaos forces enough to where such a holocaust is possible. The Emperor and Horus were put out of commision because they knew. The Primarchs eventually found out and one by one were felled all except two. One of these is rumored to be the father of the young hero.

A beautiful young seeming assassin woman would turn out to be the Emperor's damned daughter who has to die to stop chaos once and for all. She suffers terrible nightmares in which her Father begs her to kill him and destroy Terra's power before it's too late. She feasr that she is possessed by chaos. She falls in love with the hero on a mission to assassinate him and leaves the inquisition midway through the series.

The Final confrontation sees the Inquisitors betraying one another hoping to get all the power for themselves. Abaddon kills most of them only to be shot in the back by the hero's most trusted friend. It turns out that he is under the control of the last inquisitor who is more powerful than anyone ever could have imagined. The traitor explodes and Abbadon dies fighting the last of the inquisitors. The Hero arrives fresh from the healing pod and after a couple of flash backs kills the inquisitor.

It looks like everything is over but he suddenly begins to regenerates bigger and meaner than ever! This time he defest the hero and admits that he is father and is in fact one of the "loyal" Primarchs! The crazy old scientist admits that he is the other primarch! Together the hero and the old man fight the bad primarch and wound him badly but not badly enough! The war is about to make him a god! He manages to bring the old man and the hero down just when it looks like they are winning. Everything appears lost! Then the Emperor's daughter does the unthinkable! She teleports into the room of the Golden Throne and uses her psychic powers to destroy her father and herself! This causes a really huge explosion and sad music.

The hero is accosted by visions of all the dead transparently coming to say goodye including the emperor's daughter, the scientist, the dead friend. They seem beyond all suffering and very kindly and gentle.The last thing he sees is the emperor huggin his daughter in a nimbus of light with her mother there and grandma too and all the primarchs and the family dog. Then everything is dark.

A voice tells the hero that he must not stay dead. He must return to life. But why? It's so peaceful in the dark... Then he hears the sound of the scientist's daughter calling his name. He realizes that he loves her and wakes up in her arms in the rubble of the palace at the lip of an enormous crater. The war is over and the chaos forces are retreating to ponder their role in the universe now that it turns out that chaos is basically a lie and they are just suckers with enormous mental problems.

Since the hero is half Primarch and the scientists daughter are half primarch they find themselves inheritors of the light of the emperor and use it to heal the world and blah blah blah. No more war, eldar orks, and Tau and even Tyranids are somehow peascefully united by the new light of the new emperor/empress and begin to rebuild the universe to heights it has never seen! The eye of terror is closed and all the demons have been replaced by angels!

Then in the black distant corners of space...ALL the Necrons awake at once! Now that chaos is gone the universe will be easy pickings.
But the new empress/emperor will be waiting for them! In series 2!

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1.The warp would be refered to as the Astral plane(Slayers)

2.The deciver would be refered to as Xellos(Slayers)

3.Every 17th episode all male characters have to dress in drag(Slayers)

4.Nobody cares that your hair colour is blue/purple and or that your body is surrounded by a yellow aura when you scream

5.No matter how big a females breasts are nobody will take any notice but if they are flat chested every will point it out to them

6.Armys/special force can be made completly out of school girls and nobody cares and their skirts will get shorter throughout the episode and when they change it will be nessecary to have a 5minuet transformation sequence where they become completly naked.

7.Daemonetes would become the the most popular models

8. No matter how big and powerful the mecha is they will let kids pilot them

9.Endless merchands like plushy/chibi dolls of Horus would be made

10.No matter how much armour you are wearing it will never restrict your movement no matter how heavy it is

11.Dark eldar and slannesh would be offered the tentacle rape roles in every Hentai film

12.Gravity does exist but it does not affect Spikey hair

13.If someone is burnt with a flamer their clothes will be unsinged in the next frame

14.Evil female phsykers must wear large shoulder pads and leather bondage gear
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15.Every male no matter how bad or ugly will have atleast one fangirl

Many important charaters would be morons and would have to roll for stupidity to react to situations, while all lesser characters would auto-pass all moral/leadership tests to get the job done.

Many important characters would be under the age of 21.

There would be at least one super accurate, immensly powerful character ..... who doesn't like to kill.

He would have a brother, who likes to kill way to much.

And there would be alot of work for the Inquisition.

1. All eldar would have ears so long and pointed that you wonder where they go when they put on their helmets

2. All eldar males would be gay. All eldar females would be insatiable love-kittens that chase after the burly but chaste Space Marines making the marines decidely uncomfortable

3. Whenever "Mindwar" was cast the resulting process would invariable lead to graphic head explosions or excessive screaming

4. Railing against the strict eldar disciplines of the "paths", a guardian challenges the stodgy and ancient ways of the elder Seers. In the process not only will he evolve combat skills rivaling a phoenix lord, but he will learn the value of tradition...As he destroys it leading to a new rebirth of eldar society. Or everyone dies except for our lone (and apparently the only heterosexual male) hero and a fiercly independent but love struck banshee. They hop into the coolest looking spaceship flying to nowhere, forelorn and wistful, as crappy early 80's music cuts in and oversized japanese characters are flashed behind painted stills of all the major characters.

* Tau battlesuits would rock in close combat.

(But only if there were just a few, and they were all of unique design / paint job. Otherwise they would just get blown up all the time).

* Characters could have a retinue of pets/ strange animals/ monsters/ etc that would follow them around, and could be used to challenge the monsters belonging to opposing characters. (With the loser forfitting his pets to the winner). If he so wished, he could keep his pets inside tiny coloured balls, rings, or magic cards.

* And no-one would think this at all strange, and the RSPCA would never complain.


* Servitors would all look like (identical) school-girls.

* Before entering battle, or challenging an opponent, characters would engage in long soliloquies(sp?) or speaches about destiny/ revenge/ True Spirit/ "And now my plans to conquer the world we be fulfilled"/ etc.

* All Characters get a 2+ invulnerable save when shot at by squads of identically-dressed Troops.

* People would regularly wield swords larger than themselves.

* And some would have even bigger ones.

Before attacking, each model must declare in a loud voice, what attack it is using:

"Heavy Bolter Three shots NOW!"

Then grimace and groan.

When a model is battling, it's companions must gather behind it and say things like, "C'mon Artemis, you can do it." or "Why doesn't Brother Artemis use his special attack?"

Whenever a squad is reduced to 1/4 or more of its original number and passes its leadership/morale test, the segeant may declare, "I anticipated your assault and have prepared to counter it with the Egyptian God Card Exodia!!!"

Before each battle all female models would participate in an unnessasary shower scene.

A new recruit in the SM will meet a hard as nails female marine, eventually have her fall in love with him, and melt her heart so that she learns about love.

During each battle one or more gaurdsmen will "follow their hearts" and disregard a direct order.

Every third battle the army playing fo good will run across an old warrior who has givin up on life. The army will move on and come under heavy attack by the enemy. The old soldier would be warmed by this and sacrifice himself for the army.

All HQ leaders would have a little bug-eyed cat (black or white or pink) that follows them around. NO ONE would question this.

* All armies/units/models will be re-released after 1 year in a special limited edition art box, and then re-released again in another limited edition art box, and so on, and so on...

* The Catachen Grenade Launcher Model would be re-designed to be 'less butch' and more 'revealing', lets not even go start on the Female Commisar.

* The Adeptus Titanicus would change their logo to a fig leaf and the phrase "Gods in his heaven all right with the world". The age for their pilots would drop to 14.

* Pyschers would take 15-25 minutes to do a single attack. 3-5 Episodes if the attack is actually going to hit/destroy something. If an attack takes longer than 5 episodes it will always miss in vain.

* Blood Angels and Khorneate followers would push the games rating up to R18+ in any game they participate in due to 'Excessive, frequent and realistic violence'.

* Sisters of Battle would be used to teach girls(and thousands of fanboys) about things like fitness, friendship, schoolwork and general happiness by fighting a chaos army that comes from a negative universe. All while wearing the new S-Type Power Armour.

* Dark Eldar Beastmasters would get their own minigame that involves catching them all.

* Tau Battlesuits would be unstoppable until the Space Marines developed a new G-type Dreadnaught armour. After which they procede to send 5 of these unique dreadnaughts to Tau itself.

* When the Horus Heresy occured the Emperours Tarrot was scattered an it falls to certain gifted indivuals with 'magic' powers to find them with the help of the guardian of the Emperours Tarrot whos form has somewhat diminished until the cards are brought back together. Yet another minigame.

* Necromunda would involve futureistic motorcycle gangs and one of them who becomes a special psycher.

* The most successful battleship in the Imperial Fleet will be crewed mostly by women, have a chief tech officer who is only 12 and mount a massive experimental cannon.

Any squads that are even near being the same color are instantly destroyed by a volley of fire that comes out of nowhere.

The HQ runs headlong into a close combat with the enemy Hq only to be kicked around for 3 turns and then killing his opponent with a last ditch hit.

dead characters can take over other models for a limited time.

random explosions on the battle field hurt no infantry, but destroy tanks or walkers.

if a model passes an "all on your own test" from close combat, they go berserk and slaughter their opponents.

*all explotions would not hit anywhere near the troops but still send them flying

*chaos can make real bad troops out of clay that don't attack and just jump about

*the good guys titans are a bunch of dreds all fused together

Don't forget that a "good" Hq, when reduced to his last wound, would become fearless, get +5 A, +10 Strength and a 40k version of KB due to the "power of friendship" unleashed by his fellow squad members shouting "Don't Give up!" and "We're all here beside you!"

Oh yeah. Both players would be able to put an unlimited number of units (no points limit, either) in reserve, to be called up whenever they are getting whupped, and to be deployed in such a manner that they completely turn the tide of the battle. This would be accompanied by a lot of dramatic gestures and heartfelt declarations pertaining to "the heart of the miniatures."

that made me giggle uncontrollably for a few minutes, good job, you get a banana sticker!

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EDIT: damn, the sticker didnt turn out right...

Some of those were hilarious. All were at least mildly entertaining. Therefore, you get a cookie.

damn, ballscratch could feed himself for a month off this stuff

Isn't a cookie a form of overbaked cake?

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But no. Cookies are a bastard dessert, neither pie nor cake. But still delicious.

Yay! I get a cookie, a deformed sticker and enough stuff to feed myself for a month!

You could have gotten all of that by just killing me..

'Cept i have like over 5000 cookies.

So wouldn't it be better for me to just rob you?

Sure?

As long as you dont like dark meat.