Just one liner jokes that are really lame and silly.
Please read the thread first
Make sure your joke isn't already on the thread xD
What do you call a skeleton that doesn't get out of bed in the morning?
-Lazy bones.
Why did a man name his legless dog "cigarette"?
-Because every morning he'd take it out for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
-Anything you want, it can't catch you.
Full Version: Groaner Jokes
Want me to call you a cab?
Sure!
You're a cab!
But I think this belongs in the Games Section by forum standards. Let the Mods decide.
Sure!
You're a cab!
But I think this belongs in the Games Section by forum standards. Let the Mods decide.
A duck walks into a bar, and orders a drink, saying "Put it on my bill!"
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk.
A Walk.
This should be in the G&E section...
******
What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
******
What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
Does it belong in G&E? My bad D:
What do you call a dyslexic schizophrenic?
Whatever his name is
A guy walked up to me and said "I'm a TeePee! I'm a WigWam! I'm a TeePee! I'm a WigWam!" and I told him "Relax man, you're two tents."
What do you call a dyslexic schizophrenic?
Whatever his name is
A guy walked up to me and said "I'm a TeePee! I'm a WigWam! I'm a TeePee! I'm a WigWam!" and I told him "Relax man, you're two tents."
Guy walks into a bar with dog, and he sits at the bar. Next to him is a guy with a box and he opens it and there's a beaten-up turtle in it, covered in tape and cracks. Guy says, "what's wrong with that turtle?" He says, "It's the world's fastest turtle. Why, it could beat your dog to the end of the bar."
So they bet 100 bucks, and they line up the turtle and the dog. Ready, set, GO! and the guy picks up his turtle and throws it, yelling GO SHELLY!!!!!
So they bet 100 bucks, and they line up the turtle and the dog. Ready, set, GO! and the guy picks up his turtle and throws it, yelling GO SHELLY!!!!!
So Buddha walks up to a hot-dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
dead baby jokes!
how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how you throw em
what's worse than six babies in one trash can?
one baby in six trash cans
sexest jokes!
Why can't helen keller drive a car?
because she's a woman
Why was a woman crossing the street?
she shouldn't be, she should be in the kitchen making me a sandwich!
how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how you throw em
what's worse than six babies in one trash can?
one baby in six trash cans
sexest jokes!
Why can't helen keller drive a car?
because she's a woman
Why was a woman crossing the street?
she shouldn't be, she should be in the kitchen making me a sandwich!
A baby seal walks into a club...
What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave
What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.
What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal
What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza
^ I just realized how horrible I am when I found myself laughing at these o.o
Happier jokes...
*ahem*
*******
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
*******
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
*******
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A baby in a microwave
What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.
What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal
What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza
^ I just realized how horrible I am when I found myself laughing at these o.o
Happier jokes...
*ahem*
*******
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
*******
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
*******
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
what is blue and not heavy?
- Light blue
What is orange and round, and not a mandarin?
- A mandarin anyway
What flower is deadly if you stand under it for 3 minutes?
- A water lilly
- Light blue
What is orange and round, and not a mandarin?
- A mandarin anyway
What flower is deadly if you stand under it for 3 minutes?
- A water lilly
Did you hear that NASA plans to take a large group of cows on its next orbital flight?
Yeah, they're calling it "The Herd Shot Round the World."
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Yeah, they're calling it "The Herd Shot Round the World."
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Two, somewhat similar in theme.
A man walks into a bar. What does he say?
"Ouch."
A man walks into a Pole.
"Przepraszam!"
A man walks into a bar. What does he say?
"Ouch."
A man walks into a Pole.
"Przepraszam!"
A bull shits on your paper.
^ Come now, don't be shy... how many essays did you BS?
...as an added joke, this was meant to be stupid. Obviously so from my lack of humor.
^ Come now, don't be shy... how many essays did you BS?
...as an added joke, this was meant to be stupid. Obviously so from my lack of humor.
Two irishmen walk out of a bar...
(That's it.)
(That's it.)
Seriously how did no one put up...
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says.. why the long face.
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says.. why the long face.
This here joke STILL makes me laugh.
There are 3 guys in an airplane. One guy has an apple, the second guy has a banana, and the third guy has a grenade. the
first guy doesn't want the apple anymore, so he throws it out the window of the plane. the second guy doesn't want the
banana anymore and throws it out the window too. then the third guy doesn't want the grenade anymore, so he throws it out
the window as well.
they land the plane, and the three guys depart. the first guy runs into a little boy who is crying. he asks him,
"Little Boy, Why are you crying?"
He responds, "An apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!"
the second guy is on his way, and he comes across a little girl that is also crying.
"Little girl, why are you crying?"
"A banana fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!"
now, the third guy is walking home, and who shoud he come across but a little boy, laughing. the man asks the boy,
"Little boy, why are you laughing?"
the boy responds;
"I farted and my house blew up!!"
now another one.
Once there were two race horses, one named Fast Fred and the other named Slow Joe. As you might have guessed, Fast Fred
always won races, and Slow Joe was always loosing them. one day, as the horses were preparing for a race, Slow Joe went to
talk to Fast Fred.
JOE: Hey, fred, I need to ask you a favor.
FRED: Sure, Joe.
JOE: Look, if I don't win a race soon, my owner is going to send me to the glue factory. do you think you could slow up for this
race and let me win?
FRED: Well...I guess I could.
JOE: Thanks, man. I owe you one.
So it's time for the race, and the gates open, and the horses start running. Remembering his promise, Fast Fred slows down
during the last leg of the race. But as Slow Joe passes Fred, Joe starts shouting:
JOE: HA! Loser!! I could beat you any day! suck it!!
FRED: Hey!
Fred is annoyed by Slow Joe's attitude, so he speeds up at the last miniute and beats Slow Joe.
Before the next race, Slow Joe goes up to fast Fred again.
JOE: Hey, dude, I'm really sorry about how I acted at that last race. It won't happen again, I swear.
FRED: Whatever.
JOE: But really, dude, my owner said he really WAS gonna send me to the glue factory. You gotta slow up, just this one time!
FRED: Only if you promise not to act like you did last time.
JOE: Okay, I promise.
So the race starts and the horses run. Sure enough, in the last leg, Fred slows up again. As Slow Joe starts to catch up, the
same thing happens.
JOE: Ha Ha!! I'm Winning, I'm beating you, sucker! You're too slow!
FRED: You promised, Joe!
So Fred beats him again. Now Joe is being sent to the glue Factory, so all the horses have a get-together to say their farewells
to Slow Joe.
Just then, a dog walks in.
DOG: So I heard Joe's going to the glue factory.
all the horses look at him and say,
"Get a load of that, a talking dog."
There are 3 guys in an airplane. One guy has an apple, the second guy has a banana, and the third guy has a grenade. the
first guy doesn't want the apple anymore, so he throws it out the window of the plane. the second guy doesn't want the
banana anymore and throws it out the window too. then the third guy doesn't want the grenade anymore, so he throws it out
the window as well.
they land the plane, and the three guys depart. the first guy runs into a little boy who is crying. he asks him,
"Little Boy, Why are you crying?"
He responds, "An apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!"
the second guy is on his way, and he comes across a little girl that is also crying.
"Little girl, why are you crying?"
"A banana fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!"
now, the third guy is walking home, and who shoud he come across but a little boy, laughing. the man asks the boy,
"Little boy, why are you laughing?"
the boy responds;
"I farted and my house blew up!!"
now another one.
Once there were two race horses, one named Fast Fred and the other named Slow Joe. As you might have guessed, Fast Fred
always won races, and Slow Joe was always loosing them. one day, as the horses were preparing for a race, Slow Joe went to
talk to Fast Fred.
JOE: Hey, fred, I need to ask you a favor.
FRED: Sure, Joe.
JOE: Look, if I don't win a race soon, my owner is going to send me to the glue factory. do you think you could slow up for this
race and let me win?
FRED: Well...I guess I could.
JOE: Thanks, man. I owe you one.
So it's time for the race, and the gates open, and the horses start running. Remembering his promise, Fast Fred slows down
during the last leg of the race. But as Slow Joe passes Fred, Joe starts shouting:
JOE: HA! Loser!! I could beat you any day! suck it!!
FRED: Hey!
Fred is annoyed by Slow Joe's attitude, so he speeds up at the last miniute and beats Slow Joe.
Before the next race, Slow Joe goes up to fast Fred again.
JOE: Hey, dude, I'm really sorry about how I acted at that last race. It won't happen again, I swear.
FRED: Whatever.
JOE: But really, dude, my owner said he really WAS gonna send me to the glue factory. You gotta slow up, just this one time!
FRED: Only if you promise not to act like you did last time.
JOE: Okay, I promise.
So the race starts and the horses run. Sure enough, in the last leg, Fred slows up again. As Slow Joe starts to catch up, the
same thing happens.
JOE: Ha Ha!! I'm Winning, I'm beating you, sucker! You're too slow!
FRED: You promised, Joe!
So Fred beats him again. Now Joe is being sent to the glue Factory, so all the horses have a get-together to say their farewells
to Slow Joe.
Just then, a dog walks in.
DOG: So I heard Joe's going to the glue factory.
all the horses look at him and say,
"Get a load of that, a talking dog."
what do you call a fish without any eyes?
FSSSHHHH
what does mario wear?
denimdenimdenim (this one is hard to convey without sound. its the sound of mario going down a pipe.)
FSSSHHHH
what does mario wear?
denimdenimdenim (this one is hard to convey without sound. its the sound of mario going down a pipe.)
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