I got bored and inspired to write a short story. So far, it's just about half-done. It's a rough draft, nothing special. I'm going to work on the other half or so sometime. The inspiration for this was "Dagon" by H.P. Lovecraft and the many mythological rumors of the fabled "Atlantis." This is almost a complete rip from "Dagon" and "The Call of Cthulhu" but I don't care. This was just a writing exercise for me, so please, give me some critique, harsh ones are preferable (Like Kay's cruel and harsh critique. I DEFINITELY wouldn't mind her harsh views).

So... Get to readin' '>.>

*******





There I walked, over yonder dune, ever yearning for the sea and its undulating cacophony. ‘Twas dark and chill, frighteningly so, the wind’s ululation making my marrow freeze as if the temperature had dropped to Absolute Zero.

My name is Private Terry Beckett, a pilot of U.S. Air Force… I have crashed into the vast Atlantic, and awoken upon this strange isle.

Where I was specifically, I know not, save for it being a desert isle far aloft the Caribbean Sea. I see naught a land nearby, save for this desert… my God, it feels as if this isle is a continent, infinite in its nebulous existence. There is nothing but sand and crags and the chill ice air. The moon is full, wholly so, it’s silvery light giving the sand and its constant dunes a platinum quality, beautiful, though quite dull and horrid. Something akin to a god’s presence, hideous and beautiful, filled with supreme awe.

The stars flickered like faraway candles, giving the awry feeling of being watched…

The infinity between man and space were seemingly unparalleled. It was the first time I felt this way… Alone, drawn in… scared. The feeling of dread, of hopelessness, crept into my bones and swam through the marrow as if it were as slick as water. The abysmal realm in which I now roamed seemed infinite, forever long and existent and never ending, its silvery darkness consuming and dismal... it felt as if this isle was alive, sentient, a manifestation of absolute desolation.

As I thought upon the matter, I later realized that the desert soon became an oasis, a haven for my weary legs. I shuddered as I realized there was a wood over yonder, a sudden and surreal transition. An unnatural transition, I thought. I wrested the canteen from my stubborn belt, filling it up with the fresh, surprisingly placid water. Soon after, I fell upon my rump and rested against the massive palm tree. Oh God, the sanctum of such a thing! Never in my life had I thought I would enjoy resting under a tree so much.

Before I knew it, my eye lids felt quite heavy and sealed themselves shut, stealing the surreal platinum scenery from my mind and back into the abysmal darkness that I had awakened from.

There, I met the nascent of my dreams… a horrific event.
 

II

There I stood, upon a rock, a good five meters from the shore, and the waves’ cacophony against water and rock beckoning the coming storm. ‘Twas raining lightly, the winds stirring faint but audible high shrieks, the sky as grey as the dismal realm of sanity. Bleak and gloomy, mocking glares from the gods of before and aft, dead and alive. There I stood, watching the shifting water, the rippling of drops and waves.

The ululation of the sea beckoned me. It was distant, cold… yet serene and yearning. The misery did not leave, unfortunately.

And then, like the anger of a raging titan, the world beneath my feet shuddered, shaking daemonically. I fell back, soaking my entire backside with water and jutting it with sharp and dull rocks. The pain was insubstantial as I looked upon the sky, seeing a massive whole in the grey clouds. Sun glared past the hole, blinding me, disabling me from seeing what had caused it.

As my eyes adjusted, after what seemed like an eternity of darkness, I saw what had caused it. It was a massive crowned-monolith, hideously beautiful beyond description, along with thousands upon thousands of towering buildings and obelisks of the same grotesque beauty unbeknownst to man. Unknowingly… it arose from the abysmal bowels of the sea, from the abyssal infinity from beneath the howling waves. The horror was indescribable, the rushing water raining from the titanic architectures heard from a distance… and from within that dead city, for that was what I assumed it was, I heard the most horrific, inhuman shriek. It was bubbly, like a man choking on his own blood, but it wasn’t a man… it was a sound that no human vocals could ever hope to reach, nor would they want to.

Before I could see yet another rising form, the waves from which the city had created during its eruption from the infinite depths arose above the sight, blotting out the sky, and crashing upon me…

I woke.

Interesting. You're definitely aiming for Lovecraft here. My only problem so far is that the character sounds too Lovecraftian in his narrations to be an Air Force Pilot. I'm not saying he should sound coarse or uneducated but unless he's supposed to be a Professor on the side his prose is a little unnatural.
Overall though, not bad.
When I post original stuff though I do it in the Fanfic section because it seems like the place for it.

Think of it more of a journal entry... you'll understand what I'm aiming at with Terry Beckett. Anywho, normally, I would post stories in the Fanfic area, but I'm posting it here because I want people to actually see it and because this isn't some novella scheme I'm aiming for. If you haven't noticed, I have a few failed stories in the Fanfic area... here, I'm just throwing about this Lovecraftian-style short story because it is actually something I can finish. It's quite short, and in a professional format, it's about, as of now, 3 1/2 pages.

But, thank you. I'll post the next entry when I'm done.

Also, if you have not noticed, it is in past tense (and I'm somewhat losing grip on past and present... too tired to try and find the errors right now).

Well as long as he has a good reason to write like that. In the novel I wrote over the summer the story is framed by journal entries written by the main villain of the story and he writes in a pretentious way because he's a scientist and a narcissist. Perhaps you're right about the GD having a better chance of being looked at though.

lol, I see. Well, to be honest, I normally DON'T write in FP, I prefer TP. So, if anything, I may feel compelled to change things during the edit. Remember, this is just a RD, so it's not wholly complete. Ah well, the next one should be up sometime tomorrow. Or probably tonight if I don't decide to fall asleep.

Oh I agree, first person can be fun at first but eventually I get tired of following a single character's viewpoint. That's why I included the Diary entries because I felt like injecting a bit of FP and flesh out the villain and the universe he inhabited. In the end I found that the diaries were my favorite parts of the story but I couldn't write an entire story like that.

I should probably state first that I don't like Lovecraft. I love his name. I love some of the works his writing has inspired... but I was just never as impressed with him as the world of horror seemed to think I should be.

I see "Dagon" in here. I'm assuming you didn't take entire lines from that story. I'm way too lazy to go upstairs and start dragging out my Lovecraft anthologies.

Moving on... Any time you try to reach back and emulate the classics, you're in iffy territory. You're writing in a, well, dead voice. People don't talk like this anymore and, I'm assuming, you didn't grow up in a time where they did. It's a difficult voice to get to sound natural. A good many people just tread this thin-line between poetic and purple prose and that... that's sort of what you did here.

For a writing exercise/homage to Lovecraft you did pretty darn well though.




Dial it back some. You're throwing more description at me than I want or need. The moon is beautiful and ugly, pretty and scary, ooooh and AAAH! I get it. Also, why is god's presence hideous and beautiful? Intimidating maybe?



Lol, wut?

This is kind of baffling and not in a good way.



I don't think "slick" as water is right. Water's only "slick" when it's very shallow. Since you're going with the idea of something swimming, "slick" doesn't seem like the right adjective.



Wait, he realized that later the desert would soon become an oasis? This seems like a good time to bring up that your tense is all over the damn place. Be careful about that.

Repeated use of the word "yonder" is making me giggle.

I'll wrap this up. There's some dreadfully purple prose in there. It feels a little like you wrote this with one hand on the thesaurus - buuut you also have some very nice lines. I was quite impressed with a few descriptions, and for a writing exercise I'd call that a win.

Keep up the good work!

He did say he had problems keeping his tenses straight.

You sure do know a lot of fancy words.
Just kidding. I liked the story, but you're being awfully descriptive about everything.

Maybe you should cut down on that a bit.

As long as the word scintillating never pops up I'll be relatively fine with it.

Scintillating's an awesome word.

I like it Sess. I had a little trouble with it, but that's probably cause it was 3am and I was exhausted.
I'll read it again at some point when I've got a brain and give critiques.

Maybe yes, maybe no. It depends. Some Authors excell at using the English Language to its full extent, decorating simple sentences and turning them into vast, majestic paragraphs of beauty. Authors, or at least Sess is in this group, as are fanfiction authors, such as Joe6991. Then there are those who craft sentences in their own unique way, say the 2nd person, and pull it off better than most do in the 3rd person, such as Jbern.

Others like myself, prefer simpler places with which we can call home and roam about freely, albeit sometimes envious of others success & prowess. It's a vicious cycle, but so is the circle of life.

Interesting take there Sess. I find it odd that you post this up, near a week after an idea enters my brain that, as far as I know, has yet to be turned into a Novella, or at least one that I know of. Maybe I should get my ass sat down & something typed out, other than mere notes... or not.

I eagerly anticape the second half, or at least the next chunky, chewy piece.

2nd person? what have you been reading?

We have that forum for a reason, we do wish for you to use it and have those who WANT to read it, read it.

Since we the mods have real life to deal with, it allowed its time of fame in general, but I'll be moving this to the Fanfic area, its a forum for this type of threads, we made if for you guys. And for all you know more people might read there than here.

QUOTE (Jonath @ Oct 4 2009, 01:28 AM)

2nd person? what have you been reading?

Fanfiction. Albeit of Harry Potter, but I find the story funny, serious, alongside entertaining & a fantastic read. If you're curious - Linky