Okay, I know I have already done this story, but I am going back through and totally revising it to make the plot better and fixing things that were very out of place or didn't seem to fit in the original story. Hope you all enjoy the retelling.
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The Archmage gazed deep into the shadows where a mysterious figure stood, waiting for the old man to speak. The Old Mage reached into his robe and retrieved a piece of rolled up and bound parchment and extended it to the figure.

"This is the item I need delivered to Cale'Anon Vatay and his friends, If they hope to stand any sort of chance against what lies ahead of them then they will need this scroll," the Archmage explained.

A bony hand reached out wearing blue fingerless gloves and took the scroll before placing it in his own robes.

"What is so dangerous about this...thing, Legara is trying to resurrect?" inquired a calm and collected voice.

"You will see soon enough, now go, the longer we wait the less chance we have of over coming it," the Old Mage stated hurriedly.

"Very well," the figure said.

An odd colorless glow covered his hands and a portal opened up before him that he causally strode through. Moments later the portal vanished and the Archmage turned to the Watcher.

"Is it really so wise to trust someone like him with such an important mission?" the odd floating eye asked.

The Archmage sighed and took a seat, taking a few moments before answering his long time companion.

"Sadly, we have no other choice," the Old Man said, returning his gaze to the small candle that stood before him on the table.

"Thus it was written, thus it shall be," The Watcher said
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Cale'Anon Vatay and his small band of companions reached the forest border they had been sent to. They entered a village earlier that day and learned from the Mayor that his daughter as well as other village girls had been kidnapped and were being ransomed back to them. Being noble, Cale decided to put the mission of rescuing the kidnapped girls upon himself and his companions. The others were not pleased with this but had went along with it, as they usually did. Richard stepped forward with a maniacal grin on his face, his hands becoming covered in fire with a faint fwoosh.

"I say we burn down the forest and smoke them out," the Warlock said.

"We can't do that, we could harm the girls," Cale said quickly before the Undead could act on his own.

"I agree with Pinky here, we need subtlety for this," Krunch added.

"Oh come on, it has been days since I have been able to kill or maim anything outside of small critters, and that gets old after awhile," Richard pouted.

Cale perked his ears up as he heard something slowly and almost silently approaching them. Cale signaled to the others and they all drew their weapons and found various hiding points in the trees. Krunch had chosen a tree close to the path so he could observe exactly who or what it was before it reached them. A quick sound of leaves ruffling could be heard as Richard leaped out at he stranger.

"For Pony!" the Warlock cried out as his hands burst into flames with a loud FWOOSH this time.

Cale's reaction to this suited how the other most likely felt as well as he slapped the palm of his hand to his face and let it drag down a little. Richard tossed two Fireballs at their unseen intruder only to have two balls of ice, matching the Fireballs came from the stranger and collided with the Fireballs, causing both magics to cancel each other and simply made steam. A look of annoyance crossed the Warlock's face as he tried to get a better look at their unseen enemy.

never mind *deleted*

Cale and the others came out from their hiding places, weapons drawn ready to face this possible enemy.

"Who are you?" Cale demanded of the stranger, still keeping himself concealed in the shadows.

The man stepped out of the shadows and the group stared at him in shock. He resembled Richard on so many levels. He had neck length blue-green hair though and where his eyes were were glowing yellow spheres. He wore a blue robe with red trim and red x style pattern that reached from his shoulders down to the bottoms of of his robe and a purple sash. His gloves were fingerless and blue as were his boots. He also wore a cloak that rivaled even Cale's that was a dark purple in color.

"Oh, this is interesting, you're a Mage." Richard said seemingly unimpressed unlike the rest of his companions.

The person looked at the Warlock and simply nodded.

"Who are you?" Cale asked again.

"My name is Xzistance and I have a gift for your Cale'Anon." he replied.

His voice was calm and collected and sounded like he didn't have a care in the world. He reached into one of the interior pockets of his robe and produced a scroll which he handed to the Noble Elf. The group formed around Cale as he unrolled the scroll.

"It's a map." the Elf stated simply.

"You've been putting points into your stating the obvious skill again haven't you." Richard taunted.

"Let me see it Pinky." Krunch said.

Cale nodded and handed the scroll over. Krunch studied the map for several minutes intently, taking note of various points of interest.

"This is interesting, it's a map leading to what is known as the Cave of Trials." the Old Cow said.

"Aye, I heard of that place, supposed to be a true testament to dwarf craftsmanship." Pella said.

"What is this Cave of Trials?" Benny asked.

"It was a labyrinth built inside a cave to guard an artifact from the Old World known as the Ring of Fate." the Scholar replied.

"Why have you given us this?" Cale asked turning his gaze to Xzistance.

"Legara is trying to resurrect something from the Old World and apparently that ring is the only thing that can stop it." the Mage replied.

While the others were distracted with the scroll Richard had sneaked up behind Xzistance with his hand on fire and reached out to set X on fire. The Mage turned on the Warlock before he could accomplish his goal, and using his right hand fired a small mist of ice at Richards hand that blew out the flame and encased his hand in a block of ice. Xzistance looked down at the Undead Warlock's hand and simply smiled as Richard made his was back to the others plotting his revenge on the cocky Mage...

Is this gonna fix some of the plot points I brought up when I jumped in on reviewing your story? Cause if it does there are a few things you're gonna have to rearrange, like X making it to the sea temple without having his own gem.

Not bad, not bad at all. Is there more to your story? so far it has my attention!!

Yes Ronin, this is being revised to add things, change things around, and extend parts. Over all, to make it have a cleaner, sturdier, and more logical plot. It's also being used to attempt to fix a ton of the grammer mistakes from the original.




Oh yeah, there will be more. This story is already complete if you wanna read the original (same title, should be on page 2), as mentioned above to Ronin this is the revised to fix a lot of the elements I made big mistakes on in the original.

Ooh, ok I will go look for it thanks.

Sorry for seeming like the stick in the mud about mentioning the grammar and such, but can I help it if I came in near the end of your story last time and I was the first one to start talking about plot points and flaws? A world without criticism looks mighty bad, indeed. *nod*

You can read it and get an idea of whats to come with this one or you can save yourself and keep the suspense by following this one instead since I plan to change around, add, and extend a lot of things in this one from the original.




Of course, unlike a lot of people I actually love receiving criticism, no matter if it is good or bad.

ohh well if you are going to post more of it and it is changed, it looks like i will have to wait! other wize i will get slightly confused hehehe

Yeah, as I told Ronin, when I did the original version of this, I had a bad habit of winging the plot instead of thinking things through so it became a huge mess more than anything lol. Don't worry, I will rewrite this story to its conclusion, I just have a bunch of other things on my plate at the moment so it is taking me longer than I would like for it too.

No problem, I can wait.

You see, I probably would have given good critizism about the plot if I hadn't been reading it from the very beginning. I had to wait for every post...and let's be honest, I have the memory of an old man. Hell I even forgot who the main villain was at sometime and had to flip through pages before I remembered.

And it doesn't help that I was reading dozens of other fanfics too.

I still caught things as I was going. It was just a matter of mentioning. Like how Pella was tossed into Krunch at some point in almost every fight or the easy convincing of Tah'Vraay when she's a bit more coy than all that. These were all things that jumped out at me the moment I read them, so I'll still say that I'm surprised that I was the first to address them so far into the story.

Oh, and I also dislike the direct borrowing of lines from the comic. If you look back through mine, I would hint at lines from the comic, but I wouldn't flat out cut and paste with a new word or two in there. Makes it fit more with the canon and it doesn't seem so cliche, as it were. Not to mention it just means that you actually have to write more and show off your own style, rather than stealing Sohmer's.

That said, it'll be interesting to see what Jowy changes compared to the original. Only time will tell. Don't forget to reference the other jewel gatherings from LFD's stories earlier on and remember to structure things as an appropriate build-up for your main character, X.

The only thing about that is I may remove the Rin references from my story to keep mine and Dragon's story out of a continuity with each other. Sure in the last version I did it but we still agreed to keep our story in alternate lines as it were.

Oh, well, I was going under the assumption of you leaving it in. If you did, it would have seemed strange if they only realized the similarity to the prior quest after having acquired 3-4 of the gems, you know what I mean?

Never you mind me, now. Just go on with your revised story.

This story is even better the second time. I say good job so far with this revised story. ^.^

Cale looked at Xzistance and then to his companions, a determined look on his face.

"We can figure this out later, for now, let's take care of this Bandit business for the Mayor," Cale stated. The Mage glanced at the Elf ready to speak then simply turned his head.

"You must make haste Cale, chances are Legara will be seeking these artifacts as well and we must not allow them to fall into their hands," X explained, hoping the Elf would heed his warning.

"I thank you for bringing us this, we did agree however to take of this first, we can't just abandon these girls," Cale stated flatly.

He then looked to his companions and they started to move deeper into the forest. The Mage let out a small sigh and started to move as well, moving quick enough to catch up to the Elf and his friends.

"I am going with you," Xzistance said suddenly.

Cale stopped abruptly and turned to face the Mage.

"I think my powers will be valuable to your cause and besides, I owe Legara some payback," Xzistance said.

He then looked to the sky.

"Alurei," Xzistance muttered sadly to himself, low enough that no one could hear him.

With a nod from Cale they moved deeper into the forest. The group made it to the center of the forest when Krunch decided to open the scroll and look at it again.

"What's wrong Old Cow?" Benny asked.

"This area is marked on the map for some reason, it doesn't say why though," Krunch said.

That's when a booming roar shook the ground they stood on and echoed through the forest. Before they could prepare a monstrous bear leaped out of the tree line. He stood easily thirteen feet tall and looked like he easily weighed over a thousand pounds. He was missing patches of fur all of his body with scars to match including a scar covering his right eye which was closed. Richard looked at the monster for a moment, tilting his head back and forth as if trying to figure it out. Then with a grin he shrugged.

"Hi there," the Undead Warlock said approaching the bear.

The bear leaned in to Richards face and opened his mouth followed by a roar that threw Richard back several feet.

"Well, that was rude enough," the Warlock stated with an annoyed tone.

He dusted himself off first and then ignited his hands. The bear bounded toward Cale who drew his swords in response. The bear brought a massive claw down on Cale who brought his swords up to block. The power of the bear broke through and the Elf was hit on the head hard knocking him to the ground. Pella leaped at the bear with her Axes while Krunch charged him ready to swing with his hammer. The creature spun and caught the Bard by her free arm and using her momentum tossed her into a tree with such force it broke the tree in half leaving her a crumpled mess on the ground. It then turned its attention to Krunch. With a bellowing roar the creature swung a massive paw at the Scholar as he swung his hammer. The hammer was simply parried to the side by the monsters massive paw and without a break in its flow, connected hard to the Bloodrage sending him sprawling hard across the ground. Benny fired a magic spear from her mace which barely penetrated the bears hide. The bear roared in response and back handed the Priestess, sending her flying into the the air followed by a hard crash to the ground. The last two standing now were Richard and Xzistance. A blue mist surrounded Xzistance's hands much like Richards fire surrounded his. X threw two Frostbolts at the bear which froze the bear in place. Richard then leaped at the bear as it roared and threw two Fireballs into it's mouth. The bear roared in agonizing pain but kept standing.

"Gee you're persistent," the Warlock said.

Xzistance drew a sword from his side and leaped at the bear. Richard set the body of the monster ablaze as X came down on top of the the creatures head cleaving through it. The bear started spurting blood all over the place from the wound as it fell in half spraying the ground with its blood and innards. The shocking thing though was that the beast was still alive. The Warlock walked over to the bear and with a loud fwoosh, toasted its remains to nothing more than ashes.

"I always bring the awesome!" Richard cheered. The others had finally, albeit slowly, recovered to their feet and walked over to the remains.

"What was that, it was really strong," Cale stated, his words slurred a bit, still feeling a bit fuzzy headed...

Your narration is a bit clunky. "Monstrous like" is unnecessary, just call it a monstrous bear. And as for describing his weight and height I'd phrase it "He couldn't have been any less than thirteen feet tall when standing on his hind legs and a quick analysis of the bear's size would confirm that he had to weigh well over a thousand pounds"
Otherwise you're doing fine.

i have just this to add...GJ

Richard is awesome as always! If he wasn't there they would have been OWNED by that bear!

Krunch noticed something sphereical glinting on the ground near the ashed remains of the bear monster. He kneeled down and picked it up. It was green in color and had an odd sort of writing on it.

"What be that?" Pella asked.

"I'm not too sure, we had better hold onto it though, it could be important," Krunch stated simply, still examining it.

The sphere light out a small flash and floated out of the Bloodrage's and floated over to the Dwarf who opened her hand. It floated down and landed gingerly in her hand.

"I have never seen anything like that," the Mage mused confused.

"Put it somewhere safe, I have the feeling that that little trinket is something important," the Scholar said with a serious tone.

"We have spent too much time here, we should be near the bandit camp, and the village girls could be in serious danger," Cale said.

With a nod from the other Cale led the group a little deeper into the forest where they finally spotted the bandit camp. There were tents set up at various points with a cage wagon sitting near the center. In the center were several bandits around a camp fire. The most notable bandit was a hulking looking brute. He was shirtless with ripped up shorts. He was a pile of muscle and scars and his skin was orange in color.

"Any ideas?" Cale asked.

"We will need a distraction, all we have to do is take out the leader and the others will most likely run," Krunch said.

The Elf nodded and started to mention something to Richard who was gone. Before even turning around Cale smacked the palm of his hand to his face. After taking a deep breath he turned around and found the Warlock surrounded by bandits near the cage wagon.

"Let's tear him apart boys," one of the bandits said.

"Tear him apart, I like the way you think." Richard said.

With a grin the Undead Warlock reached out and literally tore one of the bandits apart limb from limb. The others leaped at Richard but met a grisly and fiery demist as Richard either melted the skin off their bodies, set them totally ablaze, or froze them ice then shattered them. Before long the remaining bandits stood behind their leader as Cale and the others came out of hiding. Cale stood before the bandit trying to look noble and heroic in front of the leader who stood before them with confidence.

"Release the girls and we may spare you," Krunch said.

The leader looked at each of them in turn then produced a hardy laugh.

"Why are you laughing? My friend here single handedly slaughtered half of your forces," the old Cow said.

With a deep battle cry the bandit leader charged Krunch with a giant mace . Before he even got near though Xzistance tossed a Frostbolt at the bandit freezing his feet to the ground. Then with a running leap Cale beheaded the bandit leader with his twin swords. The bandit leader fell over dead as his lifeless and bloody head rolled across the ground. With that the remaining followers dashed off into the forest as the Scholar had predicted. Cale sheathed his swords and kneeled down getting the key to the cage wagon. The group walked over to the the cage wagon and the missing village girls sat huddled together terrified for their lives. With a grin Cale unlocked the door.

"You are safe again now my ladies," the Elf said trying to be a gentleman to assure the scared girls they were in safe hands now...