This topic was originally posted in general discussion.. but apparently it didn't count as a "random thought"

Answer the scenarios I come up as you would yourself....
How about...
"you find yourself playing poker with an undead, a gnome, a centaur, and a clone of yourself... You noticed everyone in the game has one extra card... normally you wouldn't mind but seeing as how whomever wins gets an autographed fork of truth..
You have five minutes before the poison on the cards kicks in...... What do you do?

I flip kick the gnome into the undead's mouth, stab the centaur in the crotch, and quaff my Elixir of Life to stop the poison. Then I tell the judge that they were cheating.

Ok. Now, you have just stabbed the President of Iran in the face, while having sex with his daughter in front of ten-million terrorist fanatics, and doing obscene things to the Quaran. What the hell are you going to do!?

I run head first into the masses of terrorists with flash bang in hand, it goes off and blinds them. While they are blind, I strip down to a very convincing terrorist costume, slip my sweat shirt over one of their heads, and when they come to, they all lynch the guy with my clothes on him and I escape unscathed.

You are out for a lovely stroll when the ground starts trembling. To your surprise, elephants are storming the streets, recklessly killing all the pedestrians and toppling cars. They stampede right at you, and only thing that separates you and them is a flimsy wire fence. whut u gunna do?

I paint a picture of a cliff on the wall behind me, and then run perpendicular to the stampede and watch as they go over the painted cliff to their explosive deaths. EASY!



You are an Arabic man in Washington D.C. at President Obama's inauguration. What are you going to do!?!? (P.S. I forgot to mention, the CIA, FBI, and Secret Service are led by staunch believers in McCarthyism)

I duck into the large crowd, stealth over to a man hole cover, and escape to the Atlantic Ocean through the sewers. I kill all the mutant alligators and turtles I find with my bare hands and use their blood to mask my scent when the FBI release the hounds. Puhleeze!

You are riding the ferris wheel on the boardwalk when the operating system malfunctions and the entire machine is sent spinning over the pier. The safety bar is locked in place and you have about 1 minute of air left. What do you do!?!

Easy! I open my shirt to reveal my gills, then call all of my Deep One bretheren to help me out!


You have just miscast a spell and now an army of killer Mocha Shoggoths are eating your home. What do you do?

I activate my home's force of security drone I just installed, which cut down the Mocha Shoggoths with homing lasers and rail guns.

You take a plane trip and wake up after to find yourself trapped in a high-security facility located in space. There is only one escape pod left and it is under heavy guard on the other side of the ship. What do you do?

Silly fool! I build a makeshift parachute from nylon bedsheets (they give them to us to hang with), Nylon Thread, and very keen eyesight, then put on my space suit grab a pepsi and mint mentos from a vend-o-tron, criticalize the reactor temporarily(by killing the guards with my ninjitsu and smashing the primary coolant system), and throw myself out the airlock in the confusion, using the pepsi and mentos to make a rocket to slow my descent and the parachute to land in your hot tub.
EASY!

Now, an angry man with the powers of Bruce Lee and MacGyver has just parachuted from orbit wearing a spacesuit into the hot tub you currently occupy, and HE KNOWS YOU SENT HIM UP THERE! What do you do?

You can't be serious. I hop out of the hot tub, instantly don my clothes, and turn the heat in the tub past boiling. When MacBruce jumps out of the tub, I grab his head, tear off his helmet, and dunk it back in the water, drowning him and scalding his skin beyond recognition. I then ship his body back into space, where the pissed off guards throw his body out of the airlock. Far too simple!

You are on the toilet at home when the mafia drives up your street and starts randomly killing off pedestrians. They are riddling houses with machine gun fire and are taking molotov cocktails out of their van to start burning down houses. One of them kicks down your door and starts dousing your living room with gasoline. What do you do?

When they get to the bathroom, I throw shit at their face and dive out the window.


Richard, a troll, and 300 hundred magically-animated human blood-seeking daggers are out for your eyes, blood, and internal organs. You're stuck in the corner. What do you do?

You idiot! I OBVIOUSLY rip out the forum trolls eyes and Richards innards (including blood), using them as chaff to distract the daggers while I use RICHARD'S eyes to scrawl a transmutation circle to turn the daggers into a suit of armor into which I put my soul, using it to crush Richard and the troll into dust. STUPIDO!

Now, you have just murdered a crazy spaceman in your hot tub by boiling him, but you foolishly leapt into the tub before resetting it, and now are paraplegic AND his vengeful spirit is controlling his corpse in a controlled descent to impact on you at meteoritic speed, and you cannot signal for help. OH GOD, YOU ARE SOOOOOO SCREWED!

I turn into the Hulk, which fixes my legs, and then punch the body into dust.

The Incredible Hulk has you pinned against the wall and is about to make your head paste.

Turn into Gort and vaporize him. Duh.


You need to pee. In a diaper/bladder bag/catheterless space suit. One the dark side of Chiron

I piss in my helmet and call it a day.


Gort is about to vaporize you.

I open my shirt revealing a superman "S" Gort sees it and walks away thinking it's hopeless.

Wow i'm glad i started this topic


You are hand cuffed to Richard for one whole day... you have a hot date that night and know that Richard won't like her.

I use the Vulcan neck pinch to knock Richard out so he sleeps through the entire date.

You just pretended to be Superman to scare off Gort but he returns covered in Kyrptonite armor Hell bent on tearing you to shreads. What now?

Keanu Reeves. Whoa.


The responses are getting too much shorter, and you really like this ga-

I write a couple pages of possible situations I could post on this site. I shove it in an envelope and mail it to the greatest writer in the universe. After a couple weeks I get a reply, he says they all blew chunks and he had his own situation that easily topped them all. The actual situation was squeezed into a dictionary sized book, so I spent another week analyzing all it's fine points and coming up with this...

It is noon on a Sunday, you are at a picnic and the next thing you know, the grass starts oozing a purple liquid onto the field. The liquid then starts bubbling and slowly dissolving everything it touches, cars, houses, and people. Half of the park is destroyed in seconds and the acid inches it's way up the incline to where you're siting. The wooden table starts creaking and gives way, everyone alive flees in their cars, leaving you alone in the sea of goop with only a few moments before you are waist deep in skin dissolving acid. You know what do to.

I take an explosive shit, propelling me all the way to Greece.


It is September of 480 B.C. You are a Spartan, about to have an Immortal's sword stabbed up your ass. Your shield is laying 16 feet infront of you, as well are your sword and spear. All you have is your helmet, boots, and cape. What do you do?

I call for backup from...

Easy STOOPID! (Sorry bout the swearing)


Dear God! You have been addicted to demotivational posters. Your collection is now in the terabytes, and your computer is ginormous. One day while websearching, you accidentally divide by zero and all your posters characters teleport out of your machine and come to life. About half of them are Cthulhu. You are screwed. What do you do?

Teleport out with The Doctor Poster then cuddlefuck with the Pyramid head one.

I have a gun to your crotch.

I shoot you with the Programmable Mental Image Ray. EVER SLASH FIC EVER WRITTEN POURS INTO YOUR MINDS EYE, PLUNGING YOU INTO A CATATONIC HELL FROM WHENCE THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
Duh.

You have spilled coffee on your lapel during a business meeting with your associates, and there are no napkins available at the board table. What do you do?

I use my pocket Clorox Wand to make myself presentable

Today is picture day and you have broken out into horrific acne. AND PICTURES ARE MANDATORY UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH! Oh, and the state/country has decided that to save time and resources this one picture will go on every type of identification you will ever own.

I wear the mask that is my avatar and caulk it to my face.


Poseidon, Zeus, Eros, Herakles, and for some reason Thor are all about to smite your ass for, uh.... Raping the Greek Viking Queen of Sparta!!!

I prove that there was no such Queen and that I am a eunuch. NEXT!



Thor is drunk and expressing aggressive amorous intensions towards your bodily orifices. What do you do?

I smite his ass with my BANHAMMER!!!!! BANHAMMER > Mjollnir


Godzilla's atomic heat ray is making it's way to your house, where you are chained to the bed about to be ass-raped by the 12 foot tall Gay Hulk while She-Hulk is about to beat your face in while he does it. What do you do?

I transmute both hulks into uranium 238, teleport onto the moon, and then fire a neutron beam into the hulks, causing an explosion that kills Godzilla. DUMMY!



I am REALLLLLY tired and cannot think of anything. What do you do?

I smash your balls with a sledgehammer for not being more creative.


I'm about to smash your balls/genetailia with a sledgehammer. What do you do?

Codpiece. SYNONYM FOR LACK OF INTELLECT!



I rape you. What do you doooooo?

In anger, I get Anonymous to systematically destroy your internet reputation by hacking your forum/MySpace/Xanga/Facebook/World of Warcraft/EverQuest/EverQuest II/Diablo/Whatever other community site or MMO or such accounts and filling them with homosexual porn and links. After that, they will hack your Yahoo! and tell all of your friends that you're a raging homo and love to be the reciever, and then lace your computer with perfectly photoshopped pictures of you smoking and cooking crack/cocaine and meth and sending them to the police to investigate you.

Anonymous is about to do all of that -----------^ to you. What do you do?

This is my only forum. I am elected God Emperor of the United States forever, just before then, and have my Gestapo hunt down and kill all members of Anonymous, then suppress all news and images. Fool, all that you cause is the destruction of this website!



I am about to do above statement, and my Gestapo are banging on your door with axes. What you gonna do? When they come for you? BADBOYS BADBOYS (Did I forget to mention all the Gestapo are singingthis song 24/7 and are all utterly and individually loyal to me alone?)

I run out of my house via back door, then run out of my backyard into the alley, where I take cover behind a metal dumpster before letting the C4 I've installed in every prefacture of my house explode by pressing the button on my wristband, thusly killing your Gestapo. Then just in spite, I infect your Anonymous-hunting machiens with a virus that directs you straight to a gay porn website instead of the Anonymous member in question.

You've been given a potion that gives you superhuman senses. However, your normal human body can't keep up with your senses. You're chained to a wall with titanium alloy chains as several hot pokers are being stabbed through you, thusly causing pain you'll feel for centuries even though it only happens in seconds normally. What do you do?

I pronounce the Blood Curse if Amber, opening up a road to The Courts of Chaos, thusly destroying all order in the universe and blowing myself to dust in the process.



The multiverse is sh-a---t----ter----in-----------

I use my masterwork repair hammer, and beat the multiverse senseless, repairing it past peak durability, with room for pocket dimensions in which I place Pariah. I did it all with my eyes closed it was so easy.

The world's insects have been exposed to radiation, making them immune to pest control, 5 times as large, and extremely aggresive. Now, all matter of hornets, mosquitoes, and bees are chasing after you. What do you do?

I'd jump into the nearest body of water and stay there until they lost interest. I'd eventually find the means to defend myself... I guess.

You're faced with a godly-looking man who holds his hand up to you, expecting a high five, and saying, "If you high five me, you get Cancer. And if you don't high five me, you get Cancer." What do you do?

I counter by saying if I do or do not high five you, you get CAIDSARS and die before you can give me cancer, so I high five you.


It's over. The Covenant have reached Earth. You're nothing but a Marine with an empty rocket launcher, and a Hunter's Fuel Rod cannon's barrel is staring you in the face from a thirty millimeter distance, and it's only a second away from firing.

thank god that when your dead no one will care you shat your pants


your being chased by the baelrog and your only chance to escape is to run threw a field filled with cactus's whose needles are tipped with anthrax...do you stand or run?

I wait until the last possible second, and dive to the right. At full speed, the baelrog plummets head first into the cacti. Even if the anthrax or scratches don't kill the baelrog, it still buys me enough time to teleport to the nearest anti-demon haven and pick up a scroll of banishment.

You are due for a medical treatment at a laboratory that will cure you of a brain decaying virus and you only have 5 minutes to live. All of the highways are clogged, the nearest subways or airports are out of reach, and your time machine is out of order. What do you do?

I activate my Chrono Belt, freezing the virus into a temporal loop, thanks to a mod I created that allows me to reactivate the Chrono Belt 1 second before its effect wears off. I then sing the Macarena extremely loudly while dancing to Bangra music, causing all the drivers heads to explode, allowing my tank to crush them without guilt.

Your head is about to be exploded by my song and dance routine, and then I shall crush you with a tank. Whatcha gonna do when I come for you?

I'd close my eyes and say its all a bad dream. When your tank comes I'd do a double back flip on top of it and go to work with my Lancer (GOW2) and cut it in half.

You are skydiving and you are 1000 ft from the ground. You pull the rip cord and silverware comes out. How do you escape imminent death?

I take off my clothes, tie them together, and use them as a parachute at the last second, slowing my decent to a non lethal speed. I then put my clothes back on and sue the company that made the parachute for false advertising and attempted murder. I use the money from that lawsuit and give a free skydive to the person below me.

You accept my offer, the parachute goes off on queue, but you notice you are falling onto a military base, and its AA cannons are locked on your position and about to blow you out of the sky. What do you do?

I activate my Nanosuit's cloak mode instantly rendering me invisible, when i land i go about the base laying waste to the bastards for trying to kill me, then i arm the nuke in their ultra reinforced bunker after interegating the CO and getting the codes off him, then i run off to a chopper and fly out against a backdrop of nuclear apocalypse.

You are flying the chopper when suddenly the nearby airforce base sends multiple F-22 raptors to intercept you, your console emits a shrill beeeeeeep indicating your helicopter has a missile locked straight on its tail pipe, what do you do?

I jump out with a parachute and drift to safety.


A Burmak (See: Gears of War II) is milliseconds away from smashing you to paste.

I stop reality, go back in time, and murder the person who invented the original Tourists BackPack joke, erasing my circumstance from infinity. Silly face!


You are stuck in a rusty beartrap, in a pit, surrounded by rabid mountain lions, and silverware traveling at meteoritic speed is about to impact you, killing everything in a thirty meter area. What you do, foo?

EDIT: Why didn't someone tell me I posted Late!??!!??!

I use the Force to send the silverware to hit China, and still using the Force, I release my beartrap before doing a Jedi mindfuck on the mountain lions, thusly allowing me to do a one-legged Force jump out of the pit and kill Darth Vader, who was the mastermind behind it alllll!!!!


You're chained with titanium alloy chains to an underground complex in a wasteland. An entire army of World Breaker Hulks (see World War Hulk's fight against Sentry), all wearing a bullet and laser proof set of metal platemail vanguard armor and carrying towershields and longswords of similar material are charging at you from your front, while an entire army of Supermen charge at you from behind, while Thor and the Odin Force keep guard over you, ready to kill you if you try something brash. What do you do?

Ignite that thermite on the cuffs with the cigarette they gave me as a last wish and quickily whip out my Maghook which i use to graple onto Odin's good eye, 40,000 metric pounds of thrust completely pulverising it and reel myself up, while Thor in his infinite wisdom decides to chuck lightning at me and ends up hitting Odin, because he CAN'T AIM FOR SHIT!!!! I release the hook and the fire it at metalic plate that is meant to be the cieling and hang there while the hulks and the supermen go at it.

You are wandering out into said wasteland when your confronted by millions of super mutants who want you to be their first experiment to create an actual intelligent super mutant! (Yes they want to do it intentionally this time)

I allow it, and show true intelligence later in life by professing my ignorance, becoming a modern Socrates. Using the Socratic Method, I take apart the theories of current religions and science to find them false.


Death, thine undefeatable enemy, hath come to reap thine soul with his wicked scythe and offer it to his master, the great Zeus. Thou dost what, mine friend?

I am a Great Old One;

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die.

You are Death. It is dark here. There is a strong possibility you will be eaten bay an Old One.

Too long hath thy Old Ones live'd!!
Too long hath they sur-viv'd!!
Yes, for to-day thine Old Ones die,
They die for thy one Great Lie,
That I can succumb to mineself!!!
(Translation: Too long have they lived, today they die, die for spreading the Great Lie that Death is able to be die.)

You're a sterotypical WoW player: A pasty white teenage boy playing WoW in his parent's basement, your life dependant on WoW. But some how, on a PvE server, someone has gone and started killing players without consent from them. Your raid, where your level 80 Night Elf Deathknight could have gotten some of his epic amor, has just been wiped by this hacking, lifeless fuck. What do you do?

I remember that WoW and all it's ilk are crappy, then go and play a game with an INTERESTING story while chatting online with my friends. PERSON OF PROBABLY MODERATE TO HIGH INTELLECT WHO IS NONETHELESS SLIGHTLY LESS INTELLIGENT THAN ME!



You and your fellow investigators have just discorporated Cthulhu! Nice one! However, you now only have 16 minutes before his body reforms and he attacks you again, this time with support from Nyarlathotep. What are you going to do?