theres this girl ive been talking to and trying to go out with for over a year but i went off to boot camp and all kinds of other stuff for like 6 months in the middle and come to find out a few days ago she had a bf the whole time and never told me about him shes 17 now and hes 28 and i think second time i talk to her after getting back she asks me to help her take soem of his stuff back to him and i did and im torn up i still like this girl more than ne thing but shes lied to me this whole time and led me on and idk if she even likes me back after all or was just messing with me plz someone tell me what i should do i dont want to think ne more

First off, if you've been trying for over a year now, and let's say she DIDN'T have a bf at the beginning, what was her reason for NOT getting with you? Secondly, when did she get a boyfriend? Also, you need to find out why she lied to you. This is a Q and A time. If she lied to you, chances are she's not worth your time. And let's say she did get with you, who knows what she would have been lieing to you about. Just ask questions. That's all you can do. If I were you, I'd personally not worry about it. Girls are trouble anyway. Just continue on with your life, a nice girl will show up in it. And it can happen anywhere.

he's way to old for her. isnt that at least semi-illegal?

Semi?


Anyway, just ask her casually what she's been up to and be sure to slip in questions you already know the answer to, like try finding from someone else how long she's been with this other guy then ask her that way you know she's lying and can call her on it before giving her time to think up an answer

Long story short, I'd say you're shit out of luck. It's unfortunate but there it is. If you're really lucky it's possible that one day she'll suddenly feel differently about you but it's not very likely. It's even less likely if you spend all your time being nervous stalker guy.


Not if the age of consent is sixteen where she is.

True, man I feel incredibly self important. I always just assume the age of concent is 18 because thats what it is here. Stupid school jamming that into my head. Until 18, no touching!

I learned a different rule.

In my country, it's a sliding scale. 16 is the age of consent if the partner is 18. If the partner is 19, the age of consent is 17. Once you're 18, though, it's open season.

We had that drilled into our head for three years. Apparently more than one student at my school had gotten into legal trouble by dating a year 10 when they were in year 12.

in some statess even if your past the legal concent line if your only one year older then the signifigant other in question then its fair game all around

Still....17 and 28? Sorry, but that guy has no business touching her, even if she is/was of legal consent. And she has no reason to be with him. That's disgusting on one level, disturbing on another, and neither of them would have ANYTHING in common, unless he is a child mentally/maturity wise. Honestly, he seriously has to have other motives...

The word pervert comes to the forefront of my mind, though Rayne is 26-8 i think and he has one night stands with 18 year olds

He's also a comic book character...not a real person. Your arguement has no grounds.

I wasn't saying that made it okay, I was saying Rayne is a pervert

In technicality no, in reality yes. He freaked out when he ended up sleeping with the underage highschool girl remember? Also, at least he messes around with legal females, not illegal. Does that excuse the disgustingness of it all? No. But alas, when it comes down to it, he's still a cartoon character, and one we all enjoy reading at that.

First of all, this assumes that there is somebody being taken advantage of. I know a number of sixteen-twenty year olds who are perfectly content to have a shallow, sexual relationship with an attractive person many years older than them. A sexually rewarding relationship can be had between people of any adult ages. My eighteen year old cousin is looking to begin one of those with a friend of his mother.

Secondly, we actually have very little information about their relationship and it's from an admittedly biased source.

Thirdly, if both of them were a mere three years older you'd probably have very little complaint about the relationship. As long as it's legal, you don't really have much recourse to complain about it. Nor should you. Not if you want to back the idea of a free society. Not everybody will share your moral perspective but everybody shares the same laws (in each region) so it's irrational to apply judgment based on the scale that not everyone uses.

Finally, she could be more mature at 17 than many people are at 25. I was. There were probably a few other people here on this forum that had a similar thing. What's worse is that you can't actually judge maturity. It means different things to different people. There are people who think that religious faith is a sign of immaturity. It would be unreasonably biased against certain people if that was the definition we started to use. There are other people who think the same thing about atheism. So instead of "maturity" being the benchmark, we designate an age. It's fair because it's clear, impartial and equally applies to everyone.

I recall you being displeased that certain people judged you as promiscuous when you were still new here. And it was fair enough that you were unhappy. Do you know why? Because those people were judging a situation based on very limited and very biased information. There seems to be a little moral dissonance here, though.

When was this? I don't ever recall people saying that about me or me getting upset about it ever...This is the internet, what you people think of me, I could care less. In actuallity even peoples opinion of me IRL I could care less about.

Lies! I'm important to you and you know you care what I think!

Actually....you probably don't. you're just like that and even though my opinion is super awesome spectaculiar and shit, you wouldn't care.


On a side note....I'm mostly with Verbose on this. yay judging books by their cover! I doubt she's being used, though its always possible. The likely hood is probably the same as she is using him. Its happened.

I remember being particularly thrown when I found out my fifteen year old friend was in with a 19 year old, but I took your advice to heart from another thread and looked at it from what I would call your perspective and decided 3 and a half years is actually really small and in maybe 2 and a half years noone would care. They both loved each other, though their overall maturity looks a bit questionable when you see how psyched they were at Kung Fu Panda's opening. That 19 year old is way to good at the crane game to be healthy, and that many plushies will only end in tears.

I was actually IN a situation a tad like that...(I was the 19 year old....) You'll be surprised how many people are extremely quick to judge....Of course, its odd how many shut up when you either say, "Yes I already spent days thinking about that." or "If we were both 2-3 years older and she was legal......"

Of course, some people still complain about the maturity level. Still, most people seemed to have a bigger problem with the actual age than how mature anyone was.

I don't pay a lot of attention to things so it's possible I'm recalling a different situation.


Your reaction to a pro-abortion stance suggests otherwise.

Anybody who says that other peoples opinions don't matter to them is lying. No questions, no arguments. We don't all care about it in the same way, of course. Some of us want to be liked and respected, some of us want other things. Sometimes our desire for those things is less important to us than other things are (traditionally, this is seen in the Worship God No Matter What Other People Think, which is a perspective that is very common to modern Christian thinking) but it always matters.

If it didn't, you'd never talk to or interact with people. I don't care what the cashier in a supermarket thinks of me, so I don't talk to the cashier. Since nobody forces you to go on the internet and interact, then you do it because you care. You might not care a lot or not in the usual way but claiming you don't care at all is a bald-faced lie.

Edit: Also, the phrase is that you couldn't care less. I love my sister. I could care less about her. I could care less by not caring at all. Once I don't care at all, I couldn't care less. I am then at the minimum levels of care.

QFT.

Honestly, in that situation you're better off just leaving her to be with the pervert, finding someone who actually cares about you and being happy.

Ok so even if she broke up with the other guy and started dating you. Chances are that she's likely to start seeing someone else while dating you and lie about it. I'm not saying it will happen or whatever. But the probability of it happening went up when you found out that this other guy is her bf.

:'( i know its best to walk away and find someone new but for some reason i find it hard even though i know and everyone here seems to agree that its what i need to do

I know it's hard to do, I've been in a somewhat similar situation. You just have to go "fuck this shit," and walk away. It's not worth it, to stay and pine over some girl you can't have, believe me.

QUOTE(Belion @ Jul 28 2008, 12:08 AM) [snapback]256157[/snapback]

:'( i know its best to walk away and find someone new but for some reason i find it hard even though i know and everyone here seems to agree that its what i need to do

You choose whatever you want to do. We can only give you advice.

So you've come to this point: it's either walk away and feel bad for a while or dig yourself deeper into the hole.

I vote dig deeper.

It always gives me a satisfied thrill when people do that. Socially awkward situations are simply delicious.

I cause them all the time. Like shouting that awkward silences lasting longer than 45 seconds results in the birth of a pedophile. Or calling some girl you dont know with a guy on her arm a tramp then run away fake crying. Tis fun.

I prefer the natural kind.

You know, where everybody is uncomfortable but nobody knows what to say or do.

Been there. Done that. Yes, sometimes it seems like the world is coming to an end. But I've said many times and I'll say it again, every second of brooding over such situations is energy and time wasted - energy and time one could invest into getting back on one's feet. A lost cause is a lost cause, the sooner ne accepts that fact the better.

"There are many fish in the sea". Sounds lame and cliché'd but hell...it's also true.

Great, here's me being all cold and rational again.

A lot of us here hun have been in similar situations. We know the outcomes....We're just trying to make things easier for you. We could sit back and say "Eh, not my problem. Let him learn." but I find that a bit cold in certain situations.

I've never been in that situation but I still think it's kinda funny.

Either course of action is pretty much of equal value from my perspective, though.

And it's why we all love and hate you Verby. *Pats*

I agree with pretty much everybody, being that I was in the girl's situation (at least age-wise) since I was 16. I've never had a boyfriend less than three years older than me and my fiance at 19 was 28, almost 29. I find my reasoning to be that their maturity attracts me (being that the old joke about guy's maturity makes that age difference just about perfect)

But if she was seeing him before she met you and led you on, that's her mess. You don't need to step in it. Wash your hands, and don't talk to her. Incidentally, what boot camp did you go to? (if you would like to answer o nJibber-Jabber, feel free)

Yup, indeed it is a joke.

Stop talking to her.
It forces her to come to you and ask why you have stopped.
At that time ask away with questions, most of the time they will try and not answer them.

Depending on how u read others, is weither or not you pick up the vibe that she likes you, or not.
Sometimes, if she fails to mention that she has a bf, she likes you, plus relationsships of that- age diff, dont last long.


(My opinion, no flaming)

I gotta say i agree with you on that one. Although questions can backfire heartily, in my experience (and please don't hate me for this, it is purely my experience) girls are the masters of the question dodge, they either gloss over it with other crap, or if you're persistent they get angry at you, or outright lie (in my experience the latter followed by the former... yes my ex was a bitch ) But seriously pull the above maneuver, it's probably your best hope.