A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS
NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.
IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD". WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE
AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS.
I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A
SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE
EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S
NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE
VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.
EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I,
SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE
WHOLE WINTER.
SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF
MY DREAMS TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND
WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL
THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO
BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY DAD. I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE
OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.


LOVE, YOUR SON, TONY





P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.
I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY
REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU, CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE
FOR ME TO COME HOME.