I have a beautiful daughter, who is two months away from becoming two years old. My husband is hinting that she needs a brother...not mean or anything, but still...

For my part, I am not really against having another child, but my first pregnancy did not go well.
Three months in I was put on total bedrest...(Sorry guys I know this next bit will probably gross ya'll out) and every week you could measure my blood loss in cups. Never got any explanation for why I bled like that, the doctors couldn't find any reason why it should have happened. My water broke at seven months exactly and she came five days later. She too was remarkably healthy for being so early and only two pounds and 11 ounces. We are all doing fine now.

Here's the thing: I am afraid to try again...those months were a long, lonely nightmare. I was always afraid I would lose my baby, my husband was...distant, I was confined in bed with very little contact with anyone really...H*** there are too many reasons to list why I am afraid to risk that again, including what would happen with my daughter if I had such a troubled pregnacy again...

Soo...what do ya'll think? Am I just being neurotic? God help me, I just can't seem to reconcile with myself...

Well, if you are afraid then don't do it, better to have just one then to risk losing a second and going through all the trouble. But as far as my experiance in counseling goes, it is pretty much, "uh huh, and what do you think?" or "and how does that work for you?"

Yeah, I've heard that...Actually I'm throwing myself on the mercy of the fates...Everyone in my family thinks I should...but they can be pretty weird. I figured I'd get outside opinions...

Did you just bleep 'Hell'?

I'd say trust your gut instincts. If the doctors say that bleeding can't be explained, and that bleeding is worrying you, then I say don't go for it. Personal health and safety first.

Yeah, I did..As my english teacher once said, "Sometimes a good four letter ephitet is what is most appropriate to the situation" However, I try not to offend with my occasional uses of it.

My advice is to talk to a doctor first. Talk to family, your mom specifically and see if she had similar problems with pregnancy. Just talk to an Ob/Gyn because they will generally tell you how good of an idea it is.

Make sure that -you- are in good health before you try.

That's my thoughts. But getting a medical opinion by far is better than mine.

My mom didn't have trouble with pregnacy, but I have been told my dad's mom did...She had many miscarriages before having her first and had several inbtween her total of three children...And my Ob/gyn says it could well never happen again or it could happen every time...they just don't know, since no reason could be found as to why it happened..frankly they were baffled, as was the hospital staff where I waited out the five days til she was born after my water broke.

I appreciate you all taking the time to answer, in the end it just helps me with my perspective. You see, I wonder if it is selfish to try again, when I know it might not go well...

In all honesty then, its up to you. I'm normally the one that preaches bluntly. So to speak from that point darlin' its up to you. Do you want to try again and hope everything goes perfect? If you want to try again, are you willing to understand and accept the risks to both you and your child?

Understand as well, though many ob/gyns dont talk about it....there is a historyof women who will have their period not know they are pregnant and at nine months when the child is due have a baby without ever knowing they are pregnant.

That is true, and at first that is kinda what they thought. Until the OMFG! bleeding that seemed like a cheap horror film take. It's true, I have to make this decision...

::going somewhere nice to think::

Oh, and thanks again!

Not that I'm a registered OB/Gyn (probably a job I shouldnever have) but yeah. I agree with Kayhynn. Go see a doctor first. You might also want to explain your reasoning to your husband. Perhaps he needs a little reminder of the last time, as hard as it may be to forget.

Either you have (very) limited experience with psychologists/psychiatrists, or you have had the worst kind of hack there is in the profession.

I've had one form of psychiatrist/psychologist or another since I was ten (apparently, I was a very disturbed little boy) and not one of them has ever been so trite or useless. Sure, they ask you what you think and how well you think it works for you because they can't know anything you don't tell them. What they do then is to offer an educated and experienced opinion as to how to improve your situation or, at the very least, deal with it.


As for having another baby, it's real simple.

If you want a baby, have one.

If you don't want a baby, don't.

Since there's probably part of you that wants one, and another part of you that doesn't, simply figure out which one will make you feel worse if you ignore it.

A therapist is something I couldn't suggest more. Maybe not to Spyder and in this particular instance, but I bet everyone should make use of their services at one point in their life or another. I've never had the "Uhuh? And how does that make you feel" kind. I was sent to this lady as a work requirement (mandatory therapy? How's that) and she kind of helped walk me through my problems, slowly guiding me to make me help myself.
There are a lot of hacks out there, yeah, but don't let one bad experience turn you off the whole thing. That's like saying, "oh, this offbrand icecream that's been sitting in the grocer's freezer for months tastes awful. All icecream must taste like this. I don't see how anyone could possibly like icecream."

I got both, oh yea, 2 for 2!

and what I meant by experiance was my skill, all I can do is ask stupid questions

Keep it up, you're going for the high score!

...is adoption out of the question?

I was going to say that too. Adoption would be a wonderful alternative. Your daughter would have someone to grow up with like a brother, and you wouldn't have to worry about another bout of pregnancy complications.
It's not like there's a huge waiting line at adoption agencies either.

In all honesty, I'm considering adoption when I'm older. The whole idea of giving birth is frightening to me, but it's not like I don't want kids.I need someone to inheirit the throne when I rule the world.

Hoenstly, I am not sure...I don't have anything against adoption, but I think my husband wants the whole "son" of my loins kinda thing. Not that he isn't sweet, I hope I haven't made you all think he is a monster or anything.

And Rae-Rae, as someone who's gone through it, the pregnacy was far worse than the birth for me..yes it was very uncomfortable, but not the horror I've heard some women describe...and then again to be entirely fair, each birth is it's own unique experience. Who am I to say it was worse for another or better for me? You'll know whether or not it's for you when it's time.

Birth is relatively painless with the epidurals now. If its a C-Section you hurt a long time after but still....

And no offense dear, he may want a "son" But you have no guarantees the next child will be a boy either heh.

oh dont worry, we only think he has one horn and maybe another head, not that bad anyways

Also, I have had some experience with adoption...my sister has not made the best choices at times and my mom and dad legally adopted her first two kids(the next two weren't born yet) and even they went through quite alot of scruntiny while the government made sure they were up to the job. I have also known a co-worker who medically could not have children that desperately wanted to adopt but never could seem to qualify. It's is alot to think on and well worth the effort I think, if we choose not to try again ourselves. I'm just not sure about that part, should I or shouldn't I? And I know you can't choose for me, it just helps to hear what others think on it.

think of it this way, with adoption, you give a child a chance its biological parents didn't, you dont add to the burgeoning population of the world, and you dont go throught the pain of pregnancy and birth

I know that, you that, but they seem to hold out hope...maybe it's cause they only participate in the fun part



I agree, all children need a good home with people who love them. And sadly many children enter the system when they are older than most prospective parents want to adopt...it is a truth that babies don't wait long to be adopted, but older children may be trapped by the system until they are adults. And many are troubled by vices done to them by those that should have protected and cared for them.

That's why I want to adopt an older kid. Maybe around 7-9 years old. I can already tell if we'll get along well, and I don't have to deal with potty training and everything.

Plus then they're old enough to fetch your beer because they'd probably survive the beating you have to give them if they drop it.

I agree with Kayhynn on this one, but at the same time your husband might not WANT another one at a later date so waiting might be the same as saying no.

Why must the big descions in life be hard?

Probably 'cause they are permenant...Alas we have no reset button and no saved lives to revert to if we screw it all up...

Speak for yourself. I keep my memory card on me at all times.

You must be a newer model then. Jennifer operating system ver. 1.0 is not compatible with any memory card hardware. Wonder if they sell upgrades?

Probably. Or Microsoft.

I like to live dangerously. No saves, and lots of grinding.

It made me laugh.

Chickens are crazy as hell, man. I wouldn't take one on.

I regular have to fight a rooster that often succeeds in scratching my legs to hell.

Don't fight the cock. He can be tamed.

...usually with sweet caresses...

Maybe, but my way involves a lot more whipping and biting. Submission through pain!

As long as I don't turn my back on him, he doesn't peck me in the ass.

As much double-entendre as there was in that sentence, it was still all true.

On both levels

Guys, try to keep posts on topic. Seriously, taking a serious topic and degrading it to this is not cool.

Thanks.

Sorry. Back on topic, I think a lot of people don't adopt for some of the reasons I am hesitant to...

For instance...

My husband has has this thing about blood(he gets it honest, his whole family is this way), which frankly I don't get. I don't see why genetics has anything to do with the capacity to love someone.

My mother-in-law flat out told me more than once she didn't think she could love an adopted grandchild(It came up only because my sister-in-law was considering adopting a little girl, because for her, HER health was a serious issue. She nearly died giving birth to her son.)

My mom doesn't think anyone should have more than two children(I'm a third child by the way) and would stare at me like I'd grown two heads if I wanted to raise a child that wasn't MINE(that whole genetic thing again)

So, I would worry that even if I loved the child with all my heart, it wouldn't make up for the treatment he/she would get from the rest of the family...

[quote name='Kayhynn' post='6253' date='Feb 13 2007, 02:09 AM']Guys, try to keep posts on topic. Seriously, taking a serious topic and degrading it to this is not cool.

Thanks.[/quote]

Oh, no, it was seriously on topic.

You see, um, the "both levels" represented the dichotomy of the problem which was juxtaposed with the "peck me in the ass" that represented the dangers inherent in...

Yeah, I got nothing.

[quote name='spyderjaxon' post='6266' date='Feb 13 2007, 02:20 AM']My husband has has this thing about blood(he gets it honest, his whole family is this way), which frankly I don't get. I don't see why genetics has anything to do with the capacity to love someone.[/quote]

It doesn't have anything to do with the capacity to love someone but the idea of a form of immortality. I, myself, would like to have children who are genetically mine (assuming, of course, that there is a female of the species out there who would be willing to bear my spawn and allow me access to said creatues of diluted evil), but this doesn't mean that I couldn't love children who weren't mine.

Okay, in my case it does but small children make my fists itch.

My point remains the same, though, because I'm sure your husband would be capable of loving a kid. People usually think they won't, but my great-aunt takes in foster kids and the ones who are most hesitant about it are usually the ones who end up the most attached to the little snot rags.

[quote name='spyderjaxon' post='6266' date='Feb 13 2007, 02:20 AM']My mother-in-law
/quote]

Is a douche. 'nuff said.

[quote name='spyderjaxon' post='6266' date='Feb 13 2007, 02:20 AM']
My mom doesn't think anyone should have more than two children(I'm a third child by the way) and would stare at me like I'd grown two heads if I wanted to raise a child that wasn't MINE(that whole genetic thing again)[/quote]

This would last all of five seconds. In my experience, grandmothers tend to melt in the presence of babies. And large quantities of concentrated acid.

[quote name='spyderjaxon' post='6266' date='Feb 13 2007, 02:20 AM']So, I would worry that even if I loved the child with all my heart, it wouldn't make up for the treatment he/she would get from the rest of the family...[/quote]

Never let that stop you. If people let that stop them from having kids, it would be a death stroke to the therapy profession.

Besides, from the sounds of it your family wouldn't be half so cruel as mine was and mine is nowhere near the worst. A little dysfunction does a body good.

Edit: where oh where have my quote boxes gone?

You have a point, Verbose. Although my parents legally adopted my niece and nephew, it was my husband and I who actually took care of them...they lived with us for the time my sister was in prison, and we BOTH were heartbroken when mom ended up packing them off to sis when she got out. Maybe I can bring him round to the idea of adopting.

If not, slip a little something in his drink and then act as though he convinced you the next day.

Also, feel free to do with him what you will. In the interests of avoiding another telling off, I'll avoid my usual preferences and suggest that perhaps you shave half his body hair - on alternating halves.

Left eyebrow, right armpit, left buttock, right leg.

*pauses at the suggestions* And this will help the situation how?

Verbose, you and I need to talk sometime, so I can teach you the fine art of torture and changing someone's mind mmmkay?

It's true that I may not always get my way, but I lose it in a very satisfying fashion.

Besides, this poor guy is going to have no memory of hours of his life - hours in which he apparently was all pro adoption. I think some odd body hair issues will be the least of his confusion, and if it isn't she can always slip him another roofie.

Drugging doesnt work. Sex works better. Mind blowing sex and then he'll agree to anything.

Well, I would except I don't think it would help the situation.

And besides, blowing someone's mind is the inefficient way of going about it.

*tilts head* Apparently you haven't learned thtat men will agree to just about -everything- while having sex. It's true.

Some people are just made to be parents...