[Rayne]

(Edit: And JUST when I come up with a good name for it, I ALREADY POSTED IT and CAN'T CHANGE THE TITLE. GRRRRRR. I'm an idiot.)

AGH I've had WAY too much inspiration lately. I mean seriously, WTF.

I've actually been writing some original fiction here and there that I might post once it seems to be good enough/complete enough.

Anyway, this came to mind from a series of random things that don't matter, and it's from Future-Witch's perspective, in between books 2 and 3. It's a bit rambling, but that was the intent, so I achieved that. *shrugs* Because of the rambling nature there are a few purposeful grammatical issues like some run on sentences... =P

This was mostly a drabble to get the inspirational crap out of my head. It's not really even that great, lulz.

(That would be because I fail.)

_{...come on, Rayne. Just click the add reply button. It's not... that... bad... JUST POST IT ALREADY YOU COWARD! ARGH} FINE!

--

I never had a "happy place" to go to. Not really.

I had an okay place, mind; the first Home I was in, with the other children who made fun of me and pulled pranks on me because I didn't want to play with them. It wasn't really much, but the woman in charge, she played the fiddle sometimes. She was incredible... she said that's how she made a living.

Growing up was ... hard. I had blood on my hands before I turned twelve, and that was in a literal sense just as much as it was a figurative sense. Seeing blood spray still makes me jump, and it's been a long, long time since then.

I had more by fifteen, and more still when they tried to "fix" something that I'm not entirely sure was broken in the first place.

I... still regret that. Now and then I still have nightmares about it. All of it. Everything before I started calling myself "Witch" and hating "Serenity." Serenity never took charge, and she never took control.

But I'm not so sure Witch ever did, either. I'm not entirely sure if there was ever a difference, so much as an incredible amount of denial. I think the only difference between the two at the time was that Witch had been given an easy way out and she took it, without really trying to solve her problems.

If there was one good thing that came out of the Doctor's visit, it was that Witch got a wakeup call twice the size of her own denial. I got a wakeup call. It faded to the background for a while, but like all good things in the background, they're still THERE. You just don't look at them until that one glorious moment you do, and it smacks you in the face really god damn hard.

I think that I grew up when I happened to take a peek into that background, even if it was only a little. I kind of thought to myself "oh my god, what the hell is wrong with me?" for a little while.

And it was because I realized that because of needing control over everything else, I hadn't realized that the problem was with myself. I didn't have control over me. Not in the slightest, really. It was one of those things that, as I said, was in the background. I knew it was there, sure, but did I pay an ounce of attention to it? Did I shift my gaze to look at the rest of the big picture?

Hell no. I was too caught up being in my own little god damn world.

In a way, I had always been seeking for a way to, well, "get better." I knew there was something wrong with me, somehow, even though I didn't really... look at it much... I'm not really sure what the hell I was thinking there, because on the one hand I knew very well that I wasn't the greatest person around, and yet on the other hand I didn't realize at all how very little control I had over myself.

Maybe I was looking for a way to make up for all the crap I had done that I knew was wrong (I mean really, beating your foster parents to death with a lamp isn't exactly the grandest thing a person can do), but it was like... in that moment, something kinda changed a little bit. It wasn't really about making up for deeds anymore, so much as making up for how I had been. Sure, the deeds were pretty damn bad, but would I have done them if I hadn't been just a little, uh, touched in the head, as it were?

Probably not.

And they'd really just keep coming, and who knew what I would have gone on to do. Hell, maybe I would have eventually dumped Ordain (or Dynamis ... or Jason) in a vat of semi-slow-burning acid and watched him flop around in extreme pain for an hour before he finally stopped flailing, and then stopped squirming. And then stopped twitching.

...er.

Yeah.

Witch, Serenity, this identity-confused little girl had gotten... pretty bad. It was always just below the surface, but it really did come out now and then, and woo but did it come out.

And when she realized that, finally actually realized it... she wasn't crazy, like the Doctor said. She finally got that. But neither was she simply "misunderstood," as she had kind of told herself for a while. There was far more to it than that.

She got over herself pretty quickly. Sure, it was hard, it was the hardest thing she had ever done. She still hasn't entirely gotten past it, and it's been a really long time... monumentally so, actually... but it was possible. And for the first time, she had something close to control over herself. Subsequently, she had something close to control over her life.

It was the greatest thing I had ever felt. Well, almost. Khrm. Moving on.

And finally, after a while of living like that, I felt that I could ... sort of make amends, in a sense. To all the people I had harmed, for all the strife I caused, for all the bitching everybody had to put up with.

I wasn't even close to feeling that I was done making up for it when out of nowhere, I was thrown a bone, and Witch the immature little brat who was barely feeling like an acceptable human being had a freakin' family. Rather terrifying, actually. Because I wanted nothing more than a life that wasn't anything like mine for said family. I didn't want to abandon them, not even unintentionally, and so I was scared out of my mind.

Would they grow up okay? Would they be emotionally healthy, entirely unscarred little people? What the hell am I doing? Why?! Why would I ever -- oh, lordie, Alex just killed Robert's hermit. God damn it.

Yeah. And this was normal.

Have I made up for it all yet, every last thing? Am I the perfect person yet?

Not a flying chance in hell.

But I wouldn't miss this for anything, and I can't quite seem to hate myself anymore...

Now, to go see about swatting heads with random objects for trying to steal cookies. Foolish fools, they cannot stealth past me (mostly because Alex and Conner utterly fail at stealth, but hey), for I am the master at catching wannabe ninjas.

Actual ninjas on the other hand are quite a bit harder to catch... here's looking at you, Robert...

[Sal]

Omg I love you! That was bloody amazing! So much insight and talking about the conflict... AND YOU EVEN REFERENCED MY WORK!!!!


Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I love you! I love it! and now.... I have to start writing Conner and Robert get the flu or something. Hehe. Hope my sickness is gone by Halloween...Grr

[Rayne]

..okay you have no idea how much time and effort I just spent going "SQUEEEEEEEEEE" while dancing around, due to that comment.

...Thanks. XD

[ryannayr417]

I have something like this planned for Demeter as she was never given a chance to explain her story. I'll start on it tomorrow and probably have it done by Monday or Tuesday.

[Rayne]

I have something like this planned for Demeter as she was never given a chance to explain her story. I'll start on it tomorrow and probably have it done by Monday or Tuesday.

Oooo, sounds cool.

[Bartholomew]

This is alright, I liked it.

[Dreamweaver]

I like it, very nice story.